Knowing Yourself & Your Signals

Before you can read anybody else, you have to be able to read yourself. And most of us were taught to actually do the opposite of that, to override ourselves and our feelings. And this is why you can be on a date with someone that your body might actually be telling you you should not be on a date with, but you're like, they're hot and they're nice. So I'm gonna go on a date with them. And then you get married and then ten years later you're like

What have I done? This is what we're here to help you avoid doing. Today we're gonna be talking about a few specific things. We're gonna talk about this overriding of ourselves, why we do it and how we can not be doing it, the feeling of a yes and a no and an I don't know and a maybe in the body, reading our own signals and why we can't. We're gonna talk about self-fluency, which is also relational fluency, which obviously we need for dating well.

And we're gonna talk about why you will forget all of these things that we've told you in the moment and why that's okay. This is our first episode of the slow dating season, which we're very excited about. And the topic today is knowing yourself.

Make sure you stick around to the end because that's when I'm gonna walk us through a simple practice where you're gonna get clearer about what your yeses feel like in your body, what your nos feel like, what your I don't knows feel like, and the yes and maybe I'm also scared feels like. So stick around for that.

So the overriding comes first, and most of us can identify with this. I think most of us have gone on a date that we knew was a no, but we've stuck around for months because we couldn't tell the difference in our body.

That just makes me think of feeling a no on a date and then riding it out for the whole date. I thought that's what you're gonna say. You're like, no, no, no, we're not even talking about riding it out for the whole date. We're talking about riding it out for months, riding it out and calling it a relationship. So these might be things where on paper there's elements of this connection with this person that feel good and are good, right? Maybe they're nice, maybe you like the same things, maybe you want the same type of relationship.

But there's some piece that just doesn't quite feel right or feels off and we don't pay attention to it and we don't even realize it's there. Or we see it and deliberately try to smush it away and pretend it isn't there. Or I think what I've done is just convinced myself, I like all these other things about this person. We'll figure this out. I'll figure this out. Let's push forward. Push ahead.

Yeah. For me, this was about hotness. So there was two sides for me. There was, hot guys will be mean in some way to me. So I'm gonna swing the other direction to guys who are not hot but are nice. And when I say not hot, this is a very personal thing. Somebody would have thought they were hot, just I didn't. So it was either hot guys are mean, nice guys are not hot. That was the dichotomy in my mind. So I was overriding.

everything in in both of those. I wasn't able to sit with a hot guy who was nice. I just had the story, right? So I was overriding there. And I wasn't able to, you know, the not hot guy just didn't work out 'cause I wasn't attracted to him. But I was accustomed to overriding all of everything within me because that's all I'd ever been taught to do.

Right. So not paying attention to the entirety, the whole truth, the whole of what you're experiencing, because we're used to just looking at slivers. Right. One sliver that for me always sort of went over well was if you're nice. Because I grew up in a family where as much as my parents loved me, they didn't they weren't always nice. They didn't always say nice things to me. They weren't always complimentary. And so if you were a nice guy and you said nice things to me, I was like, all right.

Mm-hmm.

You're in. I just I wanna use the word forgot, but it's not even forgot. I didn't forget to look at the other elements because I didn't even know that it was important to look at the other elements.

Yeah, for sure. And so this is something that starts really, really early. And I see this with my friends who've got kids today compared to how things were when we were

Kids and the way they're not teaching their kids to override their sensory experience, which is the entire system that gives us information. Being told to eat all your food when you don't want it, being told to sit still when you want to move. There's so many ways that we're taught to ignore our experience. And this is what we're carrying forward into a date, into choosing a date, into deciding who we're gonna pair with in the long term.

Yeah, and you know, when you talk about well-meaning parents wanting to feed us more, I came from a family where a grandma or an auntie or your mother would actually chase you around the house with a spoonful of food until you finished eating everything. So there's no regard for, your body, your tummy is telling you you're full. Let's stop. It's no apparently other people know better how my body feels. If, you know, I've seen kids fall down at the park and well-meaning parents say,

no, you're fine. And this kid looks like distraught. Like they're frightened, they're they're hurt, something's not feeling well. And right after distraught and scared, what I see on their face is confused because their body is telling them one thing. And their trusted big person is telling them, You're fine, you're not hurt. It's okay. So no wonder so many of us when we're in dating situations will

completely ignore our own inner knowing because we already don't trust it. We've been trained to believe that someone outside of us, it could be friends, it could be family, it could be some dating expert, knows better what feels right for me and what I need in this moment or what I need in this relationship.

And so I love that we're talking about this of like learning how to notice and feel and sense and understand our own body's signals and learning to trust them.

Yeah. And so we've got a really powerful layer on top of all that childhood conditioning when it comes to romantic relationship. And that is our yearning for connection and to fulfill the story that we're already writing in our minds. So I wanna give you a personal example here of a time when I was really invested in a relationship working. And so just for a little foundation here. I had been married, was getting divorced.

In the process of the divorce, I reconnected with this guy that I'd been in love with in high school, this crazy chemical romance. And 20 years later, he reaches out to me and was like, my God, like it's magic time, right? So I've got this story of magic on top of it. So I'd moved back across the country. We'd had this three months of reconnecting online and chatting. So this huge buildup, right? There's a lot at stake here now. And I've I've written the story. The story is complete. I'm just now going to

Step into this romance that will last forever and feel exactly the way I want it to. With a whole body that's overridden everything always and wouldn't even have known what I was talking about today. So I meet him, he picks me up, I get into his car, everything is a no immediately. There's no way I could ever be with a man whose car is in the state it's in. dear. But then he tells me, okay, now this actually gets a bit worse. He's like, gonna laugh.

Of course.

This is actually my ex girlfriend's car.

In that case it's fine. In that case, you're you're still you can still be my husband, obviously.

Right? Yeah. So I mean this plan will work. My plan will work. Yeah. My plan will work. Yeah. I'm like, this isn't your fault. Not not thinking anything about like why are you driving your ex girlfriend's car? Like none of this. All I wanted was passionate romance. So super easy to override every signal that your body's giving you. And I probably didn't realize that my body was giving me those signals until like three years later. So you know, don't feel bad if you're missing the signals.

It took me years and years because I didn't know what to look for. Like if anything, I thought I just have to think better. If I know the rules better, if I know what to look out for better, like intellectually, I will choose better. That wasn't the answer.

Yeah. That's so what you're literally saying is I need someone to tell me how to think and feel. And sorry, y'all. I mean, even as you're here listening to us and you're hopeful that we'll tell you how to think and feel, what we're actually telling you is that your body is going to tell you how to do that and we will show you how to do it for yourself. Yes. So what is the cost of not knowing this stuff in your body? Right. It might be obvious to someone who's been in a relationship that didn't actually feel good for years, but even for those people.

it might still not be super obvious 'cause everything looks good on paper, right? So I know you want to say something about the overriding of nose, which is a nuanced event in itself.

Yes. So I think for many years I was part of the Overriders Club, which means my body probably was giving me some type of sign it was no, although I wasn't registering it as that. But my brain would give me some no's and I would talk myself out of them. And so if you are part of the Overriders Club, then it is really crucial that we start to get very curious about our no's.

That we stay with it a little longer, that we are willing to explore it a little bit. Like, what's happening for me? That my body or my body and my mind are starting to give me some hints, signals, loud bashes on the head that this might be a no that's important to listen to. Now, some of you might think, hooray, like, if my body says a no, I'm out. Checkout. Completely, you know, free pass. I can get out of this date. I can get out of this relationship.

And that's not exactly what we're saying. We're saying there's nuance here. If you find that you're part of a different club, maybe the runner's club, I've been in that club briefly most of my time as an overrider, but if you tend to be able to find almost any excuse why someone is not very likable, why this relationship just won't work, you're probably gonna wanna grow the opposite muscle to hang out and stay curious a little longer and just data collect a little longer. No one's saying you should

completely ignore your no and your no's are wrong. This is not what that's about. This is can we feel that no that probably developed as some type of protective pattern for ourselves and just, you know, I where's my little bell? I usually have a little bell, ring your bell and say, the no is here. It's it's sounding. And I'm just gonna stick it out. I'm gonna lean in. I'm gonna stay curious in this connection and see what happens next. And you might even notice you're pleasantly surprised. Something decent or

nice might be on the other side of the usual pattern to just ditch the situation and run.

Yeah, this is the thing. If you're here listening to this, it's not because your patterns are working beautifully, right? So we're gonna ask you to actually step out of them and try the opposite. If you've been running a certain program, we're gonna ask you to pause that program and try the opposite or try some alternative thing. And in this case, when we're talking about overriding our senses and you are maybe experiencing a no, what we want you to notice is that your body is telling you no. That doesn't mean you to do anything about it.

But a no that you can't explain is still a no. Mm-hmm.

Register it. I think register and stay curious.

So we've said a couple things about no's here, but generally speaking, your body is gonna give you three responses. And those will be yes, no, and maybe, which you might also call I don't know. And the trap we fall into here is that we desire certainty and we have urgency generally, and especially when it's a situation where you're on a date, especially if you're trying to pace and get to know somebody and slow date, you're gonna be

Consciously or unconsciously, looking for some kind of certainty in a situation that doesn't call for certainty at all. I would argue that there's no certainty about almost anything, which is a very disturbing sensation for people. And we do a lot of growing into the feeling of uncertainty and how to hold it. This is especially true when it comes to yes, no, and maybes about meeting somebody new.

Learning these categories was so important for me when I was in that dating phase. When you grow up, the way I grew up, maybe how you grew up, nobody cared about my yes, no, or maybe. Nobody even said that that those were options for me to consider. Definitely not that anyone was gonna take that into account in the final decision making of how we do things. So the idea that you would know your yes, no.

Maybes can feel very foreign and also super overwhelming. But good thing we're gonna show you really simple practical ways to start getting to know these yes, no's and maybes. I'm gonna add on a separate category, a fourth category, but before I do that, I want to talk about the maybes. So sometimes it's an I don't know because I don't have enough information yet. I need to spend more time with this person. And so I don't know.

Whether I like this or I don't. I don't know whether this is a yes for me or a no. Sometimes the I don't know is I have gathered information. I know this about you now. And I don't actually know how I feel about yet. I don't know if that works for me. And that's also valid. So whatever your I don't know is, it's allowed. Hang out with it. Get curious. Yeah. Did you want to say more on that?

Yeah, I want to say practice this outside of this high-stakes environment of dating. Like if you don't know what you want to eat for dinner, that's a great place to start. I spent, I can't remember, it was a year. Yeah, it was a year learning my intuition, learning my felt sense of what was true and what path my body and mind wanted to take me on. So that was as simple as going for a an intentional walk where I listened to if my body wants to turn left or right.

Like these are the places to get to know your body's signals in very simple, low stakes ways that have no actual impact on your life and give you a huge opportunity to experience the results of these tests.

Yes, for sure. You absolutely have to build the practice of hearing your yes, no's and maybes in really simple everyday moments. Do I want to sit down or stand up? Do I wanna lay down on my stomach or my back? Something that simple. Do I wanna use this glass or that one? Do I wanna wear these shoes or those shoes? I literally practice with this. And when you listen to us, you may think, These are ridiculous. How would this help me with dating? But my gosh.

Super.

It helps with everything, I tell you. I didn't even know how I was choosing my shirt each day. If I don't know how I'm choosing my shirt, how am I choosing my person? How'd you end up in that one? they liked me.

Yeah. I really notice now when somebody asks me if I want or don't want something, I stop and check. You'll you'll see me going, I'll hear I'll he receive their request and I'm like, hmm.

Yes, I do want that. Or ooh no thank you. You know, it's there's an obvious messaging system that I didn't know was there, and you all have it too, I swear to god.

Yeah, I think I have three modes now, generally speaking. I have my immediate yes that I just know is such a pure yes. I feel it right away. I'm like, yes. And then there's the pause of like, wait a second, let me check in, which is sort of what you're describing. And then there's the ooh, hmm. Which is like, there's a yes here, and there's also, hmm.

Let's check in with the totality of the situation, the whole context. I didn't know how to do that before. So when we're suggesting that you get clear on your yeses, here's a trap to watch out for where little components of what you're experiencing with someone are actual yeses. They feel like yeses. But the whole is a no, or the whole is an I don't know yet, or I feel unsure, or I need some time.

So let me walk you through this. I was in my swiping days, swiping in a way where I was like, I better swipe like every chance I get because I could be missing out on my person. Right. Every moment that I'm not swiping and getting to the end of the options means that my person could be out there and I could be missing them and then be single forever. So I was delighted anytime there was a match with someone that I'm like,

Maybe maybe this one will be the one. This will be the one who makes me forget about my ex. That was sort of

yeah, yeah.

And guy seemed nice enough. He was complimentary and like those things, if you had those two things back in the day, I was probably putty in your hands.

Like he sorry, he gave you compliments or he fit well with

And he was a nice person. Like, okay, what do you want from me? I'm just I'll sign up. Like that's sort of the bar at the time. This might have been the day or the day after I met this person. And he messaged and said, do you wanna come over and watch a movie? And I but wait, wait a second. That's not what I said. I said, I like movies. I like hanging out. Okay.

Yeah you do.

So I'm like, sure, what time should I come? So I like went over there. But like as I was driving there, I'm like, I don't really know this person. Like this is stranger. But I like movies and I like hanging out. And I like when someone asks me out. So three yeses, Stephanie. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, gotta go. So I go in, walk into this person's house, sit down, choose a movie, all fine. And then I get this like vibe or maybe he actually said it.

with words like about snuggling and I was like, ding, I like to snuggle.

Yeah, you do.

And then ding ding ding, like I like to watch movies and snuggle. And then I'd say ding ding ding ding ding. I like to watch movies and snuggle and be with my person. That's what I dreamt of. So I thought it's all these yeses. At some point the night ended and I left. And I sat at the car. I was like, what the heck was that? Only then did I put it all together that I'm like, that didn't feel good.

I don't even know this person. I don't want to snuggle with someone I don't really even know. I mean, he was a nice enough dude and he didn't do anything inappropriate, like nothing non-consensual. But I'm like, that's not really what lights me up. But like all those things individually. But I didn't pair together. Do you like watching movies with a stranger at their house by yourself and snuggling with them? Like I didn't like any of that.

Yeah.

All of that would have been no, no, no, no, no.

And you knew this in the car afterwards?

I think in the car like the day after I was like, Okay.

This is super advanced. So I'm I'm amazed. For myself, I would have slept with him and started a relationship if he would have had me. And then months later I would have like, Why is none of this what I want? Like when I heard you begin telling this story, an older part of me perked up that was like, Ooh, a sense of danger and mystery. And so, like, for those of you listening,

Who would be like, ooh, I don't know this guy, and like anything could happen, even if that's like a less conscious part of you, that's gonna run the show. Notice how you want to feel. Notice if you want to feel secure and content and understood and actually connected, or if you want to run your life on like

I kinda don't know this guy. I'm like, E, maybe E. Like if there's any E that isn't, you know, there's a wholesome E, I guess, but there's I didn't have the wholesome version of that. And that really ran my life.

Yeah, 'cause it's putting into fuller context. Like if I look take what you just said and look at myself, I want some mystery. I want some fun. I want some allure, some like, what's gonna happen? You know, I want some novelty. But I'd like that with someone who I know well and can trust and I can count on this person. I know they're gonna respect my no's. Like ha we have enough time and evidence together that I know this person.

really has care and respect for me and they've demonstrated that over time. I want tons of, you know, mystery and curiosity and fun and novelty and delight in that context. With safety. With safety. And like I don't want that with a stranger.

So I think the other sensation that's underneath this and what might spur us into hasty decisions like this, aside from like hope, you know, and desire and yearning, is the uncomfortable feeling of I don't know. Right. So what I'd love for you guys to practice again in low stakes, like what socks do I want to wear today? If the answer is I don't know, clock your body's experience of that. What happens in your mind when it's an I don't know? What happens in your body?

What happens in your behavior set? Like this is the conditioning that we're asking you guys to look at because it's gonna give you so much helpful information.

Another I don't know piece that I think I wish I could have discerned between earlier is the difference between I don't know and I sense I'm in danger. So this needs to be a no. I need to get out of the situation. There's a lot of things that we don't know whether we like or not with someone, whether that would work for us in a relationship. But if you scan the situation and the room and the dynamic in that moment, you assess and you can see.

that you're not actually in danger. Some of us associate I don't know means danger means get out immediately. And that's not always the case. There will be some cases of I don't know, but I sense that there's danger here and I need to get out.

Like you're talking about actual physical danger potentially. I think there's a self imposed internal sense of danger w that is like related to us thinking we need to do something or something's gonna happen. So one of the things I noticed in regards to my yes, no, and maybe is that in my family, when there's an idea, when something's a yes, we're full steam ahead, we're doing the thing, it's happening and it's happening now. So when in the world, when people float an idea, like I was like,

What the heck is floating an idea? You're either doing something or you're not, right? So if I didn't have a clear yes or no, the maybe or I don't know meant I was going to be dragged in one direction or another, right? So it was this sense of unsafety because I felt put upon and like I needed to take some action. So that made me very uncomfortable with I don't know. And that means that things don't have a chance to emerge naturally, which has tremendous compounding and downstream.

effects. Life is much more pleasant when I can just be like, Huh, I don't know. Let's see what happens.

So what you're saying is you're pairing I don't know with and I wonder. I don't know what the situation is and I wonder how it will unfold. Earlier we talked about when there might be a physical threat. And sometimes we're talking about I don't know stirs up in emotional fear of like I might be emotionally hurt by this person, but I don't have enough data to determine that at this time. One thing that is important to remember

Generally speaking, people don't hurt us that badly emotionally in one moment, like on a date. Is an accumulation of experiences over time that if we continue to stay, we will be emotionally hurt. That is important to discern too. Of I don't know what's gonna happen. Maybe he hurts my feelings tomorrow. If he does, I can respond to that.

Mm.

Right. Earlier you said I only like the yes, I don't I like the no's because the I don't knows means that I'm gonna be dragged around. And I think that that languaging is really important to pull out because being dragged around to me feels very powerless. Like I'm some rag doll that I'm dragged around on someone else's whim. And I would love for us to grow the capacity to be in the I don't know. I wonder, and when new data comes in, I decide again.

And that we can say, I don't know, and I'm a yes to staying open for one more day.

Yeah. This is so important for those of us who tend towards anxious attachment. And I know for me when dating so I actually didn't have to date anyone till I was thirty-four. I just had partners with overlap until I was like thirty-four. And then at thirty-five I started dating and I was like, What the hell is any of this? Like in my world, you like each other, you're together, boom, ta da. And for a lot of people that's true. And for a lot of people it is not.

And if you've got two people on the opposite side of that on a date, you're gonna have a very confusing time. And for the anxious person, you're gonna be going, Well, do you like me? And they'll be like, Yeah. And you'll be like, Great. So then we're getting married and they'll be like, I don't know you yet. You know, like we need to let this emerge. And when we're not comfortable with sitting in that I don't know yet, we're demanding from the other person to future read for us.

And we're attaching our value to that. And it gets so confusing and painful just because we can't sit with that very simple sensory experience of not knowing something.

Yes. So grow that muscle to be with I don't know. I don't know what I'm having for dinner. I don't know what the summer is gonna look like. I don't know, you know, what the when the next time is that I'm gonna see stuff. I'm okay with all of that. There was a time in my life where I would not have been okay with any of that because I thought that knowing the answers to things immediately is what would help me feel good and make my life feel good.

It is not. And there's so many ways that we've learned and that we are here to teach you how to feel good in the absence of knowing.

Yes. And I wanna add it's a yes and I feel nervous and scared.

Because sometimes our yeses don't feel just yes and great. They feel yes and holy crap. What does this mean now? Yes and I also feel scared that I could be really seen here or that it could become something really great and I might mess it up or you might just leave me. Those are yeses too. And like we want to learn how to feel the yes of that and also feel the fear that's there.

And like know that they're two separate things. What makes me feel super sad is when we talk to people and their yes is like this small and then they're but I'm so scared. I've met this person and like things feel so great. But like blah, blah, blah, but but but but but but and all this. We don't want to minimize your fears. We really want to hold your fears with gentleness and compassion.

And also, can we dance with your yes for a moment first? Like how cool is it that you met someone that you feel a yes towards, or you met someone where there's many things about them you feel a yes towards? Can we let ourselves really fully feel the yes? Fully feel the no's, fully feel the I don't knows, and fully feel the I feel a bit scared, or I feel a lot scared, and then be with that whole experience.

experience of what it's like to be in connection with this person and allow that to inform you moment to moment whether it's still a yes for you to stay and explore with this person. Some people think a yes, like you said, Steph, a yes means I'm marrying you. No. When we're dating a yes just means yes and I want to hang out with you one more time. That's all.

Yeah. So we are gonna teach you actually how to experience this yes and the no and the I don't know and all of that fear at the end of the episode. And not knowing this yes and no and maybe is totally normal. This is something that you've been taught to not know over the course of your life. Boo. Boo. By really well meaning people who didn't know any better, right?

Yes. Can I tell you something? Story. Okay. Picture this. I must have been nine years old, and I was so excited with my creamsicle like jumper. It was short sleeves, like cap sleeves. It had white buttons. It had orange and white vertical stripes. And I loved it. It was this jumpsuit.

please, yeah.

you know, where it's like one piece and you gotta take the whole thing down to go pee. I loved it so much. I wore it everywhere. It made me so happy and I felt like I looked so great.

when it was the eighties. Yes. Was it? Yeah. Perfect.

And then I saw my uncle, my favorite uncle. And he said something, I don't remember his exact words, that implied I looked fat.

And I was crushed. And I remember sitting in the bathroom on the toilet, staring at my outfit and thinking, But I felt so good in it today. I feel so good in it every day. What does he mean I don't look cute in it? And it stuck with me. And I remember feeling confused and I remember doubting myself, being like, am I really that out to lunch? Like I thought I looked cute. I felt really good today.

Yeah. Brutal.

And then it's that thing that takes away that childlike innocence but also like starts planting that seed that, maybe like the way I felt and thought about this is horribly off and wrong and these other people who are seeing me must know better.

Right. And this is so relatable, like a human experience. We've all had this done to us. We've all done it to people. We cringe about it later. Like, there's no way around this except for knowing yourself and your signals, right? It all becomes an inside job. We need to know what feels really good and true to us because we come from this long line of people who've all had the same experience and don't know any better, and we're just handing off.

trauma to each other constantly and other people's opinions handed down across the generations. It's ridiculous. And it's time for us to reprogram the whole situation and develop our own genuine opinions.

Yes. And I want to share this piece because I think it's a reminder that there's hope, right? Cause Steph, you're talking about these unconscious patterns that get passed down from generation one to the next from very well-meaning people. But I knew when I had kids, I'm like, I want to program them with something different. If my uncle would have said that to me that day, but my parents would have raised me in a way where it's like, if you feel great.

And it's not harming anyone. Hallelujah. Have a great time. Enjoy the heck out of it. But I wasn't raised that way. I had that example that day in my creamsicle jumper was just one of the many, but that was the one that sort of cemented it in apparently I do not know what works and what doesn't, what I feel good in is wrong. Fast forward decades later, I'm parenting my own kid.

My youngest in kindergarten comes home and says, I'm not going to kindergarten anymore. I'm not going back to school on Monday. He said, The teacher is yelling. I was like, boy, I don't know. What does a five-year-old think a teacher is yelling is? Is it just that she raised her voice and, you know, maybe she just need to give the class some direction? So I try to ask for more details. And one of the questions I asked was, Did the other kids seem bothered? Are they bothered by it? She says, I don't know, but I am.

Yay! He either said, I don't know, but I am, or he said, No, but I am, right? But whatever. It doesn't matter exactly what it was. But what I took away was there's this five-year-old boy who says, I don't really care if other people were bothered by that or not. I was bothered by that. I don't like it. It's a no for me.

That's excellent self-representation. When you tell these kinds of stories, it's so easy to go back into inner child mentality. And I kind of want to relate this to this is all reparenting that we're doing for ourselves, right? And see if you can picture the feeling of a parent worrying more about what the neighbors think than what's important for you, right? And you can feel that sensation. And it's such a icky, abandoned kind of feeling versus the sensation of a parent saying,

It doesn't matter what they think. How do you feel? What you feel is important. That's like this bracing, powerful, deep love and trust feeling. It's just a a completely different vibe. And that's what we now get to experience giving to ourselves if we choose to.

And like every generation swings from one side of the pendulum to the other, right? When we can reparent ourselves in that way, where yes, my feelings matter, so do everyone else's, versus everybody else must be right, everybody else's feelings and needs must matter most. Like a lot of us are needing to find some balance and recalibration from that type of upbringing and then that type of lived experience that we have recreated for ourselves for decades since childhood.

Yeah, for sure. Knowing all of this stuff?

Doesn't really mean a good hot damn. It's nice to know. It's important to know you have to know it. But it's doing something different in your body that's gonna make the change, right? All of us have, well, I don't know. I've been through some therapy and most of the people probably listening to have as well. That doesn't really move the needle on how things end up differently in our lives and in our relationships and certainly in our dating patterns. Like, how often do you know what you want to say or not say, and then you're on a date and it's just

the opposite thing happens, you know, your intentions don't come to fruition. And that's because this is a a practice.

Well, I'm really good at saying all the things I wanna say on a date before the date and afterwards. perfect.

Yes. Classic and very relatable. Yes.

We've had many conversations about how I feel what I need after the fact by myself in the bathroom.

That's perfect. And this actually leads exactly into the next segment, which is why we're gonna tell you all these things and you're gonna practice all these things. And then you're gonna not do any of them at all in the moment. And then later you'll be in your car or walking home or whatever and be like, I said that thing that I didn't mean to say, or I didn't say the thing that I wanted to say, and I didn't represent myself and I didn't notice my body and

Depending on how your inner monologue goes, that will be, you know, on the more or less pleasant and compassionate side.

Yes, and we are here to help you grow the new muscle that cheers and says, Yay, I noticed it. Right. Noticing ourselves in hindsight falling into a pattern is a win because there would have been a time you didn't even know there was a pattern. And then there'd be a time that you knew there was a pattern, but you didn't even notice it was happening. But now you have moments where you're like, ugh, it happened again.

And we wanna say yeah.

We do, because people always say, I forgot and then they're shitting on themselves for forgetting. And it's so ironic because in that moment what has actually happened is that they've remembered. But they don't go, I just remembered that skill that I wanted to bring to the table. Instead they're crapping on themselves, which again is a very familiar situation. But it's the reps, it's the doing outside of the high stakes context.

That's gonna get these things to the table eventually. And one of the things that I have noticed is that I can have super clarity about how I feel and what I want when I'm alone or when I'm, you know, rehearsing the script in advance. And then when I get onto the stage in the date, whatever, all of that goes out the window and the clarity like completely disappears.

you're not alone. This is learning to grow the muscle of when you're alone, getting so explicit like Steph says, naming. Do I want to stand right now? Do I want to sit right now? What feels good for me right now? What doesn't feel good for me right now? Start saying those things out loud when you're on your own.

Mm-hmm.

Then the next thing to practice is start saying those things to yourself. Maybe you don't say them out loud when you're with other people, but let yourself practice when you're in the room with one other person or win the room with a group of people. Notice what feels good for me right now would be this. What wouldn't feel good right now for me would be this. You're not even saying it to the people. You are just around people while you get curious with yourself.

I've heard so many people say, I feel great when I'm on my own. And then once one person enters the room, all of a sudden I orbit my attention around them. I forget completely where I am and what I need and what I want. Even if they ask me for nothing, I'm not even engaging with them, but I am energetically caught up with that person. So this is a classic example of I only know how to feel

safe and whole and okay when I'm by myself in a space by myself. Yeah. And so we really want to grow that habit of I see you and I'm thirsty right now. I see you and I would like to sit down. Right. You're not even interacting with these people. You're not telling them that you want to sit down or have a drink.

Yeah.

You're just noticing how you feel and what you need and you're honoring those needs in the moment while there's people around.

Yeah. So this is a classic problem that people who had often it can be addicted parents or parents where the child had to be the parent. And what they learned is that them and their needs do not matter. And that's now manifesting in this way where I'm only safe when I'm on my own. I have to take care of all my own needs. I do not matter. I do not exist when there are other people around. And that's a super painful place to be. One of the things I recommend to my clients is along the lines of what you're saying is just saying out loud.

what you like and what you don't like. Not with a prescription or an ask attached, just noticing, just reporting your mind out loud. Ooh, I like that vase. Ooh, I don't like that sock. You know, it's an introduction of yourself into this dynamic, which is like those pattern shifts we were talking about. Do the opposite of the thing. See what happens. Grow the opposite muscle.

Yes, because the muscle most of us have practiced is I do not say out loud what I feel or think or like or prefer in the presence of other human beings.

And the subtext there is I don't matter. From a metaphysical standpoint, which is entirely my jam, when our sense of self is that we don't matter, guess what the universe reflects back for us? We're gonna attract relationships where we don't matter. We're gonna continue proving that story and gathering evidence that that's true. So we're suggesting that you actually take an opposite approach and insert yourself into reality and remember that you you do matter just as much as you matter to yourself when you're on your own.

You actually matter to the universe as much.

I love that you say that and you insert yourself into the moment and you said, I really like that. And someone might say, really? Tell me more. Or, it's so nice to know what you like. Thanks for telling me. Like, have we ever imagined that that someone actually might be excited that we tell them what we like or don't like? Or have we always just imagined we would be unliked, cast aside, made wrong, ignored?

Please try to collect some new evidence. So I'm actually a little bit mortified about the story because I really value kindness and integrity. And I remember being so enamored by this man who I was with or in a situationship with. And he was telling me a story about how he was at a soccer game. And he happened to be sitting a couple seats next to his ex-girlfriend with her husband.

Yeah.

And was telling me about how he was enjoying flirting with her with him in earshot. Literally, like I was so enamored by this person and wanting to be liked by him. I sort of just went along with it and didn't say anything that normally if someone told me that happened or I was around that, my insides would be like, That's so yucky. Like that doesn't feel good. But I remember sort of just having this plastic like grin on my face.

Mm-hmm.

Until like way later and I thought back, I was like, That's gross actually. Like that does not make me admire and respect you as a man.

This is super classic, especially for those of us who just want to be liked. I don't think I developed any integrity until like thirty-five. I don't know. I I just wanted people to like me. So anything that happened like I would have been right in there laughing at people, like the whole shebang just

I'm on side with whatever you think is cool and funny. Ha ha ha. None of it felt good. And maybe part of me knew that in the moment, but I was so disconnected internally that that was not the important bit. That was not the focus at all. The focus was fitting in and being liked. This is very relatable. That reminds me also of all of the times when I've wanted men who are obviously taken or married or like wheeling their baby down the street with their wife that I'm like, ooh, are they maybe looking at me? And it's like, they're not.

And ew, like, wow, I no longer feel that way. And so I just want to impress upon whoever's watching and listening who's in that space still or has experienced that. That's normal. It's it means you want to be liked, you want to have connection. That's okay. And that's also not the kind of healthy, you know, I actually don't want a man to leave his wife and baby to covet me. That's not the man that I want.

Yeah, I think this is really important because we want to be able to notice that we've fallen into these patterns from a place of compassion and not from a place of shaming ourselves. And I remember something that I heard years ago that really helped me was when Dr. Gabor Matei said, as humans, there's two really important things that we're after. Attachment, like connection, belonging, and authenticity. And when there's a risk or a perceived risk of

a break in connection, attachment, then we throw authenticity out the window. And when I heard that, like every part of me just was like, poor little Gigi. It all makes sense now. Like it makes sense why I'm someone who wants to, if you go grocery shopping and you took some cheese and you decide you don't want it anymore, I like walk all the way back to the cheese section and put it in the cheese section. When I finish with my grocery cart, I want to wheel it all the way back to the spot. Like

Things like that mattered to me. And then I find myself accepting behavior from people or laughing along with something that is really not aligned with my values. And it was because this really important thing to me, connection, felt like it was at risk. Yeah. And so I was like, screw my values, check them out the door.

Yeah. Well, and this is how we then wake up ten years later in a relationship where the honeymoon is long over. We don't give a shit if they like us anymore. And all of a sudden we can see very clearly, I don't even respect this person. I don't like how they move through the world. I don't like how they talk to me, how they talk to the waitress. I don't like how it feels in their presence. How did I get here?

And that's how it's by needing the connection so much that we couldn't feel our own signals and we didn't take the time to slow down and listen to this excellent podcast and learn how to be in our bodies and notice our signals when it matters, which is before the first date. And then certainly on it and afterwards.

There's hope. There's hope. These things shift. And I'm gonna say they shift much faster and a lot more effectively when we're willing to be kind to ourselves.

Being hard on ourselves doesn't help us change our patterns in a way that has them actually last. They last for a bit. And then we fall right back into the old pattern, right? Because it was coming from a fear-based place. So please, if you take nothing else from this episode, remember that what's gonna help you change out of your old patterns is learning to be kinder to yourself. Learning to say, Hey, me too. I do that thing too.

We're gonna talk a lot more about that in two episodes from now. The third episode is all about enjoying your own company. Nice. So the reason that we're starting here with this knowing yourself, with becoming fluent in the language of your body and your mind and your patterns is because knowing those things is what you use to get a sense of the other person and how they relate with you, what feels good to you. You can't know if this other person is doing something that feels good to you if you don't know what good feels like.

In your body.

You wanna know what feels good inside, how does not good feel on the inside, how does a little bit good and a little bit bad feel on the inside? You really wanna get in and know your insides. That's what it's about.

Yes, you do. Okay. So I think it's time now to walk through a practice with everybody so they can actually have the experience of that. Because whether you know it or not consciously, you have all this information already. And we're just gonna show you how to kind of get at it, how to clear some of the old crap out of the way and really feel into this for yourself. Again, this takes practice, right? You're gonna have this experience now and you're gonna have a for sure sense. You're gonna be like, yes.

I understood that. I felt that. This was now a felt experience for you, which you can absolutely recreate and it's reps, right? It's doing this over and over again, as we've said repeatedly, because it takes that many repetitions to get it into your brains. You have to practice the stuff outside. What's your analogy? Is it the World Series? The pitcher doesn't learn on the mound. They have what do they have? Batting practice? What do they

They're batting practice and practice, right? You are not practicing how to pitch at game seven of the World Series. No one would think that that's a good idea, but that's what we think we should be able to do. Like, I'm gonna practice the skill that I know I need to have on a date, on the date. I'm not gonna practice at all ever. And then I'm gonna expect that I can execute on this date. And if I don't, I'm gonna slam myself for it.

Yeah, this is such a foundational thing. Well, I mean, I'd have to map out all of these practices. We've got to kind of rank them, but I wanna say knowing yes, no, maybe, and I don't know are the foundation for everything. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I get so excited because there's so many practices that we could share and only so much time. But let's go with this one and see. I think first we're gonna

move the body a little bit, get a little comfy for yourself. But I'm gonna walk us through a few body positions and then we'll bring in some scenarios. How about you let your body move in a way, especially like I feel like your arms, my I feel like our arms are a part of a yes. How's your arms if you were saying yes, I love this, how would your arms move? Yes. Feel that. Do that a little bit, right? See also what happens to your face. Yes. Right?

Yes. Notice the parts of your body that are like, this is what a yes feels like for me. Okay. Let's shake that off. No. Like I didn't I didn't have to think about it. I just said no and let my body move. So say no and see how your arms or legs want to move. No.

Right? And let your body do that thing. Try it out a few times. No. Okay. And what about maybe? I don't know. Hm.

Maybe.

I don't know. And feel how it feels to be in this maybe. We'll do one more, which is body, which is how would you position your body? And you I might need to give you some hints here. If it's a yes and ooh, I feel a little scared. Yeah. Right? So for me, I'm gonna reach out as my yes. But I'm gonna place a hand on my heart as like, it's tender. I feel a little nervous or scared. But like there's a yes, like give it to me. There's a part that says give it to me. There's a yes.

And a part that says, don't hurt my feelings, please. I'm scared. Yeah. Right? So notice how that feels in your body. Notice what body posture that is.

I hear from people in the comments if you already know this. I always wonder, I think with G this comes sort of more naturally than it does to me. So I'm always like, Do people know what that is already or do they not?

Well, I would say let us know if you've are connected to it or have become reconnected to it. Because if you ask any toddler, yeah, they know. Right. So it's not that we've never known. Kids who can't speak, you can tell when it's a yes for them. You can tell when it's a no. You can tell when it's an I don't know.

We sure do.

That's actually a good trick for if you are not sure, pretend to be a toddler acting. Yes. Yeah.

So now let's think of something that you know for sure is a yes for you. You like, right? Maybe it's a certain flavor of ice cream that you like, a certain snack or a certain place you like to be. I love cho like, no, I'm like, I don't love like, see, my body was like, you don't love chocolate ice cream. What are you talking about? Don't move like a yes. Like that's how I know my body's song. I love coffee flavored ice cream. I actually don't like ice cream, but if I'm gonna choose ice cream, it is

Right. So feel that. Declare a yes for me is coffee flavored ice cream. Yes, I feel that. Right. When I go to say a yes for me is chocolate flavored ice cream, like my arms go up, but this whole sinking feeling comes down my body. Right.

Yeah.

Changes, your voice changes. Yeah.

Right. There's some confusion. Can you hear there's confusion, right? So this is actually a fun one to do. Declare something you like with the body posture of a yes. Try that out for a second. Yeah, that you actually

that I actually like. Like chocolate ice cream.

Feel that. Feel how it feels to feel that yes. Now do the same like yes tone of voice and declaration and body with something that you know you don't like.

Mushrooms.

She's a lie.

Right? It's almost like I love that you never text me back but occasionally text me and ask me out on a date at the last minute. No, actually I don't. But we say, yes, so glad to hear from you. Yeah. Can't wait to see you. That's not true, is it? I mean, if it is true for you. But if it's not, let's not pretend. Right. And what would be a no for you?

Mm that you know for certain. For me it's no dogs lick my face.

Ooh, I'm like lick my face dogs. Let's see. no spiders on my head.

That feels like a clear no? No.

Clear no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But my, I want to add here, a big no for me is not a true no. That's I'm defending myself against something I fear is coming towards me and I have no power. A true deep no for me is just like, absolutely not. It's very petite.

So it's good to know the nuance, right? And hopefully if you are not watching us right now that you do come back and find us on, is it YouTube and Spotify that has video, right? And watch because you'll see our expressions, you'll see our body language and how there's nuance in it. And that's what we want you to be able to explore and get curious about where's the nuance in your body language of your yeses and your no's. Okay. How about declaring something that's either a maybe for you or that you don't know?

What would you say?

I get pretty existential and weird there. I'm like, I don't know when I'm gonna die. That's not what w I mean, is that helpful in this moment?

Well I think it's helpful in growing the capacity to be with that feeling and the sensation of that because that does exist in your life, that feeling.

Yeah. Let's maybe go a bit simpler to I don't know if that is helpful in this moment. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

Well that I don't know.

And like, does that feel sort of simple and okay to be with? Yeah. Right. That's what we want. We want our yeses, our no's, our I don't knows, our yes and I feel scared to be simple and okay to be with. And with practice, it becomes that.

Yes.

It does. So that I think I we just illustrated that accidentally very beautifully. If I had to know if that little existential moment was helpful or not, that's a sensation of pressure, of needing certainty where there was none. The moment it becomes, I don't know if that's helpful. It's this lighter feeling. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So for me and I don't know would be I don't know if I wanna travel to Asia.

Right. There is some yeses of like that's my technically I guess my homeland. My parents are from Hong Kong. I've never been to Asia. And there's a part of me and obviously I know not all of Asia is this, but I have a real bathroom. Like I like clean bathrooms everywhere. I don't like tons of people all over the place. So I'm like, will it be a place that I'll feel really good in? I don't know.

Mm.

Right, and I'm okay not knowing. And that doesn't have to determine if I decide to go or not right now. Yeah. It's just I don't know, I know there's some yeses, I know there's some no's. Right. This one I think is important. What's a yes for you? And it's a little nerve wracking or scary.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

I guess what do you call it? Speaking to camera videos on Instagram.

Right. So feel a part of that that's a yes for you, that you're somewhat excited to speak to these cameras and and talk and share. Be the center of attention.

Right.

Yeah. Is that the yes part or is that the scared part?

That's a combination of both.

nice. So you know. Okay, so do that one again and I hope you're watching. Do that's your carnation.

I'm doing this thing.

Yes. Now practice separating the two. Move your body in a way that represents the part of talking to camera that excites you to do.

becomes a he and the ear becomes a whoo.

Yeah. And then come out of that for a moment and just land in the body posture and movement of the part of you that feels scared to do that.

Yeah, and feel that and feel that for one to three breaths, that's all.

There's lots of this going on for me.

Right. Yeah. And then now let's shake that one off. Choose which one of those three elements of what you just walked through you wanna hang out in for the next one to three breaths.

No?

Yeah, so I move immediately to the left. My fear and my no lives on the right, and my yes and yay lives on the left.

Yeah. Right. So this is what's cool is like we wanna feel into each component. Most of the time we're only practice that feeling into the component that feels scary or feels like the no. I'm not saying every no has a yes to it, but some no's have a yes to it. And we wanna honor that. We wanna like get to feel some of that separately and then decide after of for the next moment.

Where would you like to hang out? We don't usually ask ourselves that question. We don't think it's an option. We think, well, if I feel the no and all the no is flooding through my body, that's just where I'm gonna hang out until I don't know, I distract myself somehow and like feel something different at some point in three days or so seven hours. We don't realize that in the next one to three breaths, we can actually already be feeling into a different component of the truth.

Yeah. I wanna add a piece here about the different sensory experiences of yes, no's and maybes. Depending on how you process sensory information, you're gonna get a very different story from your body. And I just wanna make room for all of that. For some people, it might be a word.

For some people, it might be a felt sense. It might have colors or shapes or locations in space. And the only way to know all this is to do these simple things. Like if you look through your sock drawer is the example I'm gonna give. And there's gonna be socks you love and you know you want to wear every day. And there's gonna be socks that always live in the back of the drawer. There are a no, and then there's all the I don't know socks, the maybe sometimes of everything's dirty socks. And experience the fulsomeness.

of those different types of socks in your body and notice where this lives in your experience of reality and how it shows up.

Yes, I love that sock drawer, right? And then take it to your snack drawer. Right? Take it to your shoe rack because you're gonna feel all these things with all of that. Your cutlery, your shirts in the closet. It's all gonna have a felt sense experience. And that's what we want you to get curious about. Like what is the felt sense of a yes, the felt sense of a no, the felt sense of a maybe, the felt sense of

Mm-hmm.

Only if I'm desperate. Right. Only if I'm desperate and I have no more underwear do I like this pair. Why you are still in my drawer?

No. We don't know. It's that that fear, the scarcity mentality. But so this is when your body becomes familiar with this, like you can actually get to the point where your body is so familiar with this. Your mind is running its own story, but your body now knows. So when you're on this date with whoever it is, your body might produce, like I might go, everything inside me is moving to the left with a guy that in my mind I'm like, that's an I'm not sure or a no. But

My body is doing this thing that it does when I know I like a pair of socks, so maybe I'll hang out here and see what's what.

Yes, right? And I think this is a great analogy because when you date, it's the same as your underwear drawer. If you had no underwear left and assuming you don't like to go commando, then you're gonna really like that you discovered that last pair of clean underwear. You're gonna like it. But if you have your drawer full of

all of your underwear, including some that you love, they feel so good. You're gonna hate that pair. And you're gonna be like, yeah no, not reaching for you today. It's the same thing with dating.

So the best place, aside from your sock drawer, that I will suggest will give you tons of information about your signals is in our somatic integration sessions, which we do twice a month. They're live online and you're welcome to join us. It's one hour where we just walk through practices like this and help you get to know whatever's happening inside your body and and what those signals are. And

We're really excited for this season coming up. The first segment is all about sort of self. So getting to know yourself, getting to understand your attractions, who you attract and what you're attracted to and why, getting to enjoy your own company, because that is really gonna dictate what the universe bestows upon you in terms of options and experiences. We're gonna talk about first dates, how to meet the people, how to connect with them, what to talk about.

When you move into more of the kind of integrated doing some reality checking with each other, getting to know each other's people. We're gonna talk about the stages of relationship, which apply to everyone. No, you're not having a lifelong honeymoon. I'm sorry, but you can still have a really nice time. And then true partnership, like leading into long term stuff, what you want to be.

planning for. And for every episode, we're gonna have practices that actually help you actually do this in your real life like you experience today with the yes, no, and maybes. So I hope you'll join us. Our website is wholeheartedloving.com. You can find everything there. And if you want to get notified when these episodes drop, go to wholeheartedloving.com slash slow dating. And is there anything else you want to say before we close this episode? sorry, one more thing.

You all have questions about stuff. We know it, 'cause you ask us these questions all the time in our courses and in our one on one sessions. But you're also welcome to ask them here. So comment, send us a DM on Instagram, get a hold of us. There's a contact thing on the website as well. If you've got questions about dating, about self connection, about any of this stuff, let us know. We will respond to you personally. And if there's enough questions, we'll add an episode at the end of this season covering the whole QA, because that's worthwhile.

Share this with your friends who are dating. Don't hold out on them. They want answers too. You know, we Steph and I have taken everything we wish we knew that someone could have handed us on a platter about dating that would have made it more fun and easy and fruitful and true and aligned and put it all in this season. So share it with your friends. And it could be like not book club, but what would it be, Steph? Podcast Club? Like listen together.

Listen at the same time. Share what you agree with. Share what you question. Share what you're excited to practice. Right. And like let your friends know how it's going. Let us know how it's going. We want to hear your story.

Right? Yeah, the things that we share with each other when we're dating is usually like our fears and our usually not very kind assessments about what people might want from us, you know, like just a festival of egos colluding together and reinforcing each other's unhelpful stories about relationship. And you could instead be like talking about your human experiences and sharing them and connecting and actually learning something you can use.

My full body yes is this. If you could share it with your friend, I'm going out on a date on Friday night and I'm so excited to practice like and then come back and tell them. Like, how did it go practicing that thing? What did you discover? What did you notice? Like it's gonna be so exciting to talk about dating from that perspective instead of my god, do they like me? Should I call? Should I respond? Like, how long should I wait before I text them?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a whole no in my body. I don't know if it's a no in yours, but I had enough of that.

Totally. Yeah. So tell us what you wish could feel better about a date in the comments and we will tell you how to actually practice that and make that thing happen. All right. Okay. That is it for this first episode of the season and we will see you in a couple of weeks. As always, please do like, follow, and subscribe. And if anything we've said here today has been helpful for you, please share with somebody that you care about. We'll see you next time.