Your Patterns & Attractions

You finally connect with somebody that you feel attracted to. You're excited. You're drawn in. You put all of your hopes and dreams in this basket. And then after a few days or weeks, things start to unravel in a way that feels familiar. Maybe you realize that they're not emotionally available or they're hot and cold or they need to be saved. And you find yourself experiencing the same hurt that you've experienced so many times before. You keep telling yourself that this time it will be different. And with slow dating, it actually can be. Today we're going to be talking about.

Understanding your attraction.

And you may also find yourself in a bit of the opposite situation where it was all feeling great and now all of a sudden you feel like you've lost yourself. You're off centered. You can't think straight anymore. And you're wondering what the heck is happening. I need to run and go immediately.

Yeah. Both of those things will happen. Stick around to the end because we're also going to walk you through a practice that helps you feel that spark, hold that spark instead of, you know, going too deep too fast or running away. So that instant spark, that chemical reaction that feels so nice is a nice. Enjoy that feeling, but also know that it's pointing at an attachment wound of some sort, some familiarity that you built in childhood, which and I've said this before, I'll say it again here.

If you're here listening to this podcast, it's not because you found your partner and your dating life is going well. So we're gonna pause here with this flare up of chemical delight and look at what's inside it 'cause there's actually a lot of helpful information for you in there.

I feel very called out and I wish I knew all this sooner. I remember a time dating this man and he said so many amazing things to me. I was so drawn to him. He said, you're so warm, you're so joyful and playful and fun, and you're so smart. And my response was like, Wait, what? You think that? You see that in me? And I was like hooked. I was like, I'm in love with you. You're obviously my person. And that was the spark. It felt like this is my person.

I have been waiting forever to be seen in this way, to have someone express these things out loud to me. My parents didn't do it, my past partners didn't do it, and I was like, hooray, finally, I found the one. And then slowly I realized those are just words.

In the last episode, we talked about knowing ourselves and knowing these things about ourselves, right? When someone sees us in that way and we've been hiding from ourselves and from everybody else and they finally see all this stuff in us that we've been yearning to be seen, we're like, they must be the one because they finally see me. But if we just weren't hiding all the time and were recognizing these wonderful true things about ourselves regularly, we wouldn't need that from them.

Hey, hey, I liken it to like I'm trekking for days across the desert and I'm parched and I just want a tiny sip of water. And someone actually just appears out of nowhere and has this whole flask of beautifully ice cold water for me. And I'm like, yes, please, you're the one. And I really had to learn the things that someone is saying to me can be very true. They can even really mean them, but that doesn't mean they're the one.

And I made that mistake so many times before.

And I know for you years later, once you had done a bunch of this work, you went on another date with another man who said, You're so warm and delightful and fun and I love all these things about you. And instead of that desperate need, you were like, Thanks.

I know. Yeah. That was my big win. I went home after that date and I think I did a happy dance. I was like, holy crap! Like this just happened. This man was so complimentary of me. And I could tell in both cases, that first guy and this one, they were genuine. I could feel that it was a genuine seeing in me and a genuine compliment. But the second time around felt so different. I was like, Yes, thanks. And like my inside voice says, I know that.

I know these things about me. I love these things about me. And I think it's delightful that you see them in me and you're telling me. And also I don't desperately need you to tell me that anymore.

Hallelujah. And I think there's a mainstream version of this that I used to experience before I had any actual self regard. And it was this like defensive like, Yeah, I'm awesome, you know, screw you, I'm the best. Which is not the same as like, thanks. Like, thanks for noticing.

Yeah. It was a real quiet, like, Yeah, you know it, I know it, we're good.

And now we can actually get to know each other. So this spark in this attraction is gonna have two components to it. It's gonna have the unconscious and the conscious stuff. So the unconscious stuff is all of that old familial patterning that you're accustomed to. And the conscious stuff is often the opposite of that, right? The thing that we know that we want because it's not what we got at home, the thing that we've been yearning for and that we didn't get when we were younger or still today in our family systems. For example, for me.

I have been accustomed to being shamed. And so if I met a guy who shamed me and belittled me, that would feel comfortable to me. I'd be like, yes, I I deserve that. That's normal. That's family. And this relationship then would work. That was the unconscious stuff. Consciously it was things like, you know, I want a big, brash, bold personality, because that feels like fiery and exciting to me. And I mean at some point we'll talk about the reality of that, which

in my experience was attracting people with like mental health issues or belligerence problems. You know, an alcoholic is pretty bold brash loud kind of guy, which is not the same as grounded passion.

Hmm. When you said grounded passion, everything inside me was like, Yeah, I like that. My path was, I'd say, pretty interesting, going from parents who were very critical and pragmatic. So I found these two high school boyfriends who were where there was emotionality and depth. And so I'm like, let me go towards that. That's the opposite of what I had at home. And those two burned to the ground, those relationships. So I thought, well, I must need to choose the opposite then.

Emotionality obviously doesn't work. So let's go back to practical. And that was what I had with my parents. They they took care of me practically, but emotionally I really didn't have that connection. So I'm like, here we go, choose practical. And I was like, let's also choose nice and kind, because as much as my parents love me, that wasn't really the way that they interacted with me. So I was going for the nice, kind, practical guy. And that's pleasant until I realized my soul is dying here.

What is wrong with me? Because this is a nice guy who treats me well and takes care of all the things. How could it possibly be wrong?

Yeah. So let's distinguish here, because there's the nice guy, bad boy duality that's we all know about. What's really in there that we like? So in the bad boy, it's not that he's an asshole, and yet we find ourselves attracted to assholes because we think the nice guy is boring, right? There's not enough nuance there. Like that's what gets us into so much trouble. The thing that's actually in there is that he's self-possessed. The healthy version of I don't give a fuck is I understand what I stand for. You know, it doesn't need to be big and dramatic.

The archetype of the nice guy is like a pushover. It's like, no, no, I actually just want you to treat me with kindness and care. It doesn't need to be boring and weak.

Imagine the possibility of being with someone who's like, I know what I stand for and I go after that and I make that happen in my life, in my relationships with integrity and care and heart. So they're kind and they know what they want and they make that happen in their life. Like, what?

What? Yeah, a warrior in the garden. That's how I've heard it described, right? Someone who can go to war, but he's like, I'm not at war. I'm actually in a garden. And I also know how to do that.

I didn't know that was possible. I thought it was just one or the other. And when the one that I thought should be the one that works didn't work, I like, Well obviously I need to course correct and go the opposite way. Yeah. And that didn't work either and now I'm screwed.

Right. And so, okay, so we're talking about the male aspect here because we are women who are attracted to men. But the for dudes who are listening, there's the woman version of this, which is the crazy hotness scale. Have you heard of this? No. It's very unfortunate. And it it off all of these things, all stereotypes are true, right? We're not talking about that. We're talking about the nuance of reality, which is actually where we want to live. So the crazy hotness scale is like there's an X and a Y axis and crazies on one end and hotness is on the other.

Basically, the hotter you get, the crazier you must be is the rule of this paradigm. I see. So I want to articulate here for the men. If the common trope is women are crazy, the healthy, grounded, passionate version is a woman who can pick up a lot of things and put down a lot of things and move from here to there and flutter around with change, but not in a way that requires anything of you, right? She's embodied in herself.

Peace. Men want peace. Adam, he is all for all my, you know, feeling, I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that. I'm interested in this. Now I'm not and tired. Now I want to be up till three. But he says, you bring peace. You don't bring chaos. You feel a lot of things and you move through them quickly. And they're intense, but you still have a way of bringing peace into my life because you don't make me wrong.

We're talking about men and women here, but this also applies to queer and gay and trans people. These are energetic dynamics, feminine and masculine. In a relational dynamic, you've usually got one who's more the other way. This is the complementary thing, the yin and yang. If the masculine is penetrating, the feminine is receptive. It doesn't necessarily mean man or woman. Can you give us your wound attraction pattern example?

yes, I got three delightful ones for you. So when I was younger, I think these were junior high, high school days, it was the I'm not cool enough wound. My girlfriends are all prettier and cooler than me. It led me to really be drawn to the guy who just chose me. you like me? Fantastic. I just want to be liked. I just want to be chosen. And it led to me saying yes to a guy who was cool because he was older. He was already out of school. He drove a very cool car.

Andy had a job and I just decided to neglect the part that he was a daily morning to night pot smoker and I was not into that. I was like, who cares about that? I'm chosen. I'm cool enough now. Yeah. So that was that one. Moving along in life, it became the I'm not good enough wound. It was like I had an eon sign on my forehead. And

Yeah.

Anyone who came along and said, You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're so smart, you're so playful and joyful and delightful, I was like, Okay, take me now. And forget about the fact that these were all just words. It showed nothing about their ability to really show up fully in a relationship. But I was like, I need to know how wonderful I am because I do not know that about myself yet. And so you be the one who gives me that. So that happened. Okay, last one. This one is a doozy.

And I'm not calling anyone out, because I was in this club too. It's the I'm a single mom, and who would want me and my kids wound, right? We're just baggage. Who would want that complication in their life? And that led me to choose a man who wanted to swoop in quickly and play house and make me and my kids feel like the center of the universe. And then ignore all these other things that were starting to reveal themselves because I'm like, I really hate that feeling.

A feeling like we're not enough. We're some sort of messed up family, this trio of just me and my kids. We're not a family unit, you know, like we should be. And it was like, take this guy immediately. Right. Forget about all these other things that are revealing themselves over time that maybe this isn't the right

fit. Yeah. This is brutal because we all have these limiting beliefs, right? And they're called limiting beliefs because they limit our ability to interact with what's in front of us so much. They limit our worldview, what we believe is possible. And this is such a problem because like we talked about this last time where I couldn't believe a hot guy would want to be with me. So I couldn't see it.

when a hot guy wanted to be with me. What a damn shame. You know, there's plenty of guys too are happy to be with single mothers. But because it's technically maybe true that there might be fewer of those, we just discount it completely. So the point is not to like hope and dream beyond reality. The point is to be able to see the reality that's in front of us. And if we have stumbled across one of these lovely people who wants to be with us for whatever reason and our story is that they could not possibly, we're going to send them away.

when we could be welcoming them in and having a nice time together.

Yeah. The sabotage, the burn it to the ground before it even has a chance to reveal to you what it could be.

Classic. So this is the whole point of somatic shadow work, which is completely our jam. Somatic part is being able to be with the body sensations that come up so that we can hold the reality. And the shadow work is unpacking all of these limiting beliefs.

I had really limiting narrow beliefs about myself, men, and what's possible in relationships. And that colored everything.

That's all part of the family patterning. So when we're talking about what is familiar and comfortable because of your family upbringing, all of that's folded into it affects who and what you're attracted to and what you believe is possible. We're gonna talk a bit more about the traps we can get into there, but right now let's talk about the other side of the attraction coin, which is not who we're attracted to, it's who we're attracting to us. You might have heard this term as within, so without, as above, so below, who we attract is a mirror for what we experience within ourselves, what we believe to be true.

for ourselves. So if you're having a pattern of attracting the same person over and over again, and you're like, this is not what I want, why do I keep attracting these pigs? There's going to be something to look at internally. I'm not saying you're a pig. There's something inside you that's drawing something towards you. And this can all be unpacked and shifted, felt into, embraced.

It's amazing. I hated this. I hated knowing this when I discovered this. I was like, I don't want to know this. This isn't true. It was so easy for me to point the finger at other people. They're emotionally unavailable. And I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men. And it was like, universe, why do you keep sending me emotionally unavailable men? Is this all that there is out there? And you start believing that that's all that there is. And then I was presented with the idea that perhaps could you, Georgiana, maybe also sometimes be emotionally unavailable.

It's like, what do you mean? No, of course not. I'm right here, emotionally available and ready and have been for decades waiting for someone to meet me here. Well, I was mistaken. And I had to really do my own shadow work to really get clear on how do I get in the way? What am I terrified to experience with someone emotionally, even though I claim to want that? And how do I begin to shift some of those patterns without shaming myself, just knowing, hey.

There's a reason why I have my own version of emotional and availability. My version is sneakier to see because it doesn't look like running away and pushing someone away or burning it to the ground. It looks like choosing people who, upon further reflection, after some more shadow work, I realized they were unavailable the whole time and I was never gonna be met here. And this is what I know.

Mm-hmm. There's a huge piece in there about being able to face and hold your own feelings, right? We can think we want this big emotional connection. But if we're in denial about what our own feelings are and we can't hold those, we cannot open to other people. So we'll unconsciously attract people who are not available to us because that protects us from having to open up in the first place, which is something that we're scared to do. The minute you start being with your own.

feelings in a loving, compassionate way instead of the judgment that we typically offer ourselves before we start doing this work, you will find people who can hold them with you. And then you get to do the work of learning how to be with that.

The kicker for me, because I know some people would self-proclaim I'm a closed off person. I I sort of go more to the mind than go to the emotion and the body. But like I truly held this belief about myself that I was very open. And I was very open in some ways, much more than maybe the average person. And I think I allowed that to sort of play a trick on me to have me think.

That I'm actually very open and emotionally vulnerable person in intimate relationship. And I realized I'm actually not as vulnerable as I thought that I was. And when I worked on that piece, when I learned how to see and feel my reality in the moment more clearly and accepted it and didn't make it wrong, ta-da emotionally available people showed up.

Magic. The emotional availability piece illustrates what we think we want consciously versus what we unconsciously believe. So we think we want someone who will show us all of their emotions, but then our patterning has us freaking out when that happens if we're not comfortable with our own emotions. And the same thing happens with whatever belief system we've got. So tying this back into all the familial beliefs we've been programmed with and socially as well. So let's take the example of men or pigs.

Right? Classic. These are the two classics. Men are pigs, women are crazy. That's what we're typically dealing with when we come into our groups. These are the underpinnings that we've all got. So if you believe that men are pigs, guess what the universe is going to reflect back to you?

a bunch of pig men, and then you won't be able to see any of the beautiful stallion men who are also there. And then this becomes the filter through which we view the world and we experience relationships and we experience dating. We experience whoever's available to us on the apps. We've shrunk our world exponentially.

So our minds tell us we want one thing, but our body might actually freak out when it shows up. And so that's why we want to notice what's happening in our bodies and gently and with compassion learn how to be with it, learn how to feel that thing that's uncomfortable and just hang with it for one breath, maybe up to three, but no need to do more than that. You're gonna grow your capacity to be with this discomfort so that when people show up who are what you say you want.

But your body feels confused, we can actually do a little check and be like, no, I actually do want this. Hey body, this is safe. It feels different, but I'm safe here. I'm safe to stay and explore and be curious here. And that's what we want to be able to do.

Important, right? Because the alternative is I'm going to stay with what's familiar and with what has hurt me and what will continue to hurt me if something doesn't change.

I have two old beliefs. One was that I can't have a relationship where I feel intellectually connected with someone and emotionally connected and that there's amazing physical chemistry. I thought I have to choose between those three. And if I have one of them, I should already feel lucky, let alone two. And then by golly, how would all three come in one package in one person? And then take into account we need to practically and logistically work things out and have values that align. I was like, There's no way.

all of these things can come true for me. Right. And that was the old belief. Good thing that shifted. And I get to experience all of those things now in my relationship. But there was that time that I thought I have to pick and choose.

So how would that have manifested on a day?

How would that have manifested on a date?

Or before a date, like while you were swiping.

I would tell myself, don't get too greedy. If there's like one or two things that you think could be a good fit, just go with that. Forget about, you know, these other things that are important to you because there's no way you can get them all.

Yeah. I can see that, I can imagine it even in my inner monologue while I'm swiping. And it might be something like, well he's he's good looking or he's really smart, so he'll obviously be terrible in bed or things like that. Like it's just this dismissing, this unconscious dismissing all the time.

I love it for you. It's not even, well, he's this but not this. I guess I'll settle for one, fine. But you're like deeming him obviously not good in bed because he's good looking.

Yeah. So good looking, you never had to learn. You know, there's all the stories come up like in an instant.

Okay, so in that case then what you're saying is someone who's not by traditional beauty standards an attractive person is gonna be excellent at pleasing you sexually because they had to learn.

It would either be that or he's so unattractive he never was able to learn anything. Like anything that ends up with me being alone and unhappy is basically some variant on the story. Yeah.

Got it. Okay. Great. We don't sabotage or burn the crap to the ground at all. It's funny. Okay. Here's a belief I had about me. My old belief was I have to be helpful, I have to be super sweet, and I have to be absolutely needless. And that's the only way someone would be attracted to me and keep me around. Right.

No, definitely not.

add constant value. Yes. Yeah. Classic. These are all such human experiences that we have. And and these are the unconscious beliefs that we want to shake you out of, because there's so many alternatives.

So many. I would have never thought that one of the exercises, practices I had to do was I had to learn how to be useless.

Okay, everybody take a moment to think about somebody that you like. Think about somebody whose energy you like to be around and you just want them around. Do you need them to do anything? Do you need them to bring gifts? Do you need them to apologize for existing in order to want them around? Or is it just a vibe you enjoy? This also applies to you. It applies to all of us. It's just we can't

Conceive of it for ourselves because we've got this inner critic rambling. This piece plays out so significantly in dates because we literally cannot see what's in front of us. We're so busy running all of this subconscious and mental stuff that we're not actually dating a person. We're dating our stories about them. We're interacting with our preconceived notions. If we don't learn to stop and slow down, which is what this

whole season is about, we can't pause our inner monologue, our familiar patterning long enough to actually notice the being in front of us and to be in the moment and to be in their energy and to really feel what's going on.

I think this is especially crucial for people like me who tend to be really hard on themselves. I was really hard on myself much of my life. And that meant I often put other people on a pedestal. And so if you have a tendency to do that, like this is definitely an area to pay attention to, is how quick our meaning making takes whatever we think we see in someone and turn it into this beautiful story about how wonderful and great they are, which maybe they are, and also maybe they're not, and time will tell.

But we tend to not give ourselves that time to discover and really collect the data and really see the person clearly until we're months and years down into this relationship and wondering, like, how did I miss all those red flags? Yeah.

Totally. I want to give an alarming example. And this is so the meaning maker, I think you mentioned, is so important, especially when we're swept away by chemistry or with our yearning for romance. We slot things into categories. We make things mean things because we need it to work out, right? So I remember I was dating this guy and he told me, he said with his words.

That he cleans the whole house every Sunday. And I was like, thank goodness, a clean man. Let me tell you, this was the least clean person I've ever encountered. Didn't even know it was possible. It's true, he did clean on Sundays, but that's because for the whole rest of the week, he went friggin' bonkers making a mess beyond anything you could ever ever imagine or that I could have imagined. Pro Here's my projections happening in real time right now. I'm like,

No one could have imagined how messy this guy was. Meanwhile, there's people who live in worse mess all the time and they're like, this guy's pretty clean, right? This is how the meaning maker works. We're slotting people into our personal categories, which have nothing to do with what the other person actually does or actually means. I will add here also that cleaning on Sundays happened using whole bottles of bleach. This guy would pour a whole bottle of bleach on the floor and then like mo he mopped it up.

With the towels, with the lovely Ralph Lorraine towels and ruin the towels. I'm like, couldn't even have conceived of this. But my projection told me this is a tidy man, because he told me he cleans on Sundays. He also cleaned naked. I could do without that. There's good naked and bad naked in my projection of the world. And this did not fit into any of my pre-established categories. And that's what projections do. That's the projection trap. This is why you have to hang around and watch and observe what's real instead of the story that we make up in our minds.

Curious what happened for you once you discovered that the reality didn't match the meaning you gave to his words.

Yeah. Okay. Nothing outwardly happened, but inside a bunch of stuff went on lockdown. So here's a larger, more consequential projection I was coming into this with. And I can't remember if I mentioned this last episode, but if you've been around for a while, you know that I was an accidental lesbian for 15 years as a result of a bunch of projections, at the root of which was mostly men are pigs, and I can't trust my own feelings, so I can't trust a man with my feelings. And it was easier to be with women, you know. So I came into this

With the story, men are pigs and so much investment in this relationship with this man. So when he did something that seemed like completely unacceptable to me, what my brain said was, I guess this is how dudes are. The end.

Yes, we normalize it. Right. And one thing I've always tried to use as a check for myself is imagine that a great friend of yours called out and named some of this behavior in this person that you're dating. Would I or would you begin with a yeah but in their defense? And that's always very telling. It's always good data. Like I would love to be in a relationship with someone where the yeah buts in their defense aren't even a thing.

Mm. Yeah, if a friend told me some of these things, I would not say, well, you know, probably it's fine. I would have said, What? No. Very, very clear when it's directed to someone I love. But to myself, well I didn't love myself.

So when a friend tells you about an interaction they have with someone, it would cause alarm bells, right? If they a friend told you this thing, you'd be freaking out. But what happens if a friend says, hey, Steph, the dude you're dating is not a clean man. He's actually a little bit unhinged and is lives like a pig all week and then has this insanely, I don't even know what to call it.

Cleaning routine on Sundays, would that wake you up to it, do you think, or would you have come up with a yah but for him?

I e this is really this is actually hard to look at because realistically at that point, I was so invested in this working. I had so little value for myself. I needed it all from this relationship. I probably would have cut that friend out of my life.

Mm, I feel that inside. Right. Because I think so many of us can relate. Yeah. Like, yeah, being challenged by a friend in that way when we're so invested in this relationship turning out well.

Mm-hmm. And then after the fact, once we've finally broken up with this person, we're like, Why didn't anybody tell me?

I've never said that before. I don't know what you're talking about.

Jeez.

Yeah.

This is great. I feel like a lot to look at. I think I want to offer to whoever's listening and watching right now to just like take a second with whatever came up. Hearing that. Because that like I can feel it in my belly. Part of me wants to cry. Like if you're recognizing yourself in that, this is a good opportunity to practice feeling the feeling, experiencing that sensation inside yourself, holding it. Yeah.

So bringing any any type of touch that feels supportive to just be with what God stirred up for you, hearing Steph share that. And if you saw some of yourself in that, like I did as well. And I like to add in the no wonder, you know, I wanted connection so badly. I need it. I'm human. I needed connection. I wanted this to work out so badly that I was willing to see beyond this behavior that's actually not okay and actually distance myself from a friend.

Because I was craving that connection to feel chosen by someone, to belong to something. We all want that. It makes sense. I remember being out on a date with someone, and I was like you, so invested in this working out, even though it was so new. I was already enamored by this person. And they were talking about this book that they're gonna write one day and research that they're doing. Why are you laughing, Stephanie?

See where this was going. Right.

Yes. I can laugh about it now. I made that mean this is a man who has a vision and a passion and he's dedicated to doing big, wonderful, great things in life. And he's gonna show me how to do that in my life too and become this big, impactful person that I always thought was, you know, not in me, but being with a man who was like that. Ooh, maybe that would bring something out in me and that would also look cool on my arm hanging on to him, walking down the street, this man who did grand things.

Did he write the book?

It hasn't been written.

Yeah, we should probably talk about the flip side of our projections, which is their projections. It's important to recognize that this other person also has their own set of projections that they're trying to slot us into. They're trying to make us fit into their worldview. They've assigned us a role in their play, right? And part of getting clear about all of this is being able to recognize when that is happening and pause and feel the body.

Yeah. I remember an example of this. We were at the Scandinav spa. It's supposed to be a peaceful place, you know? It was not a peaceful moment. My ex I don't know how this came up, but he decided in that moment that he needed to tell me how unsupportive I was as a partner.

Was he whispering it 'cause it's a silent spa?

We were in the lobby, so maybe you're allowed to be a bit louder than silent. And I remember like something hit me in my body. I was like, What? And I thought this could not be further from the truth. And I'm not gonna argue with this person. If you're choosing to see that I'm not supportive of you. Okay. Like he he was really hell-bent on it. I could tell from the energy that he was stuck on that in that moment. Yeah. I was like, I'm not going there. I'm at the scandinov. I mean, it just happens.

Yeah, please. This is the ultimate projection trap. If you believe that no one could ever support you, you're gonna see that as being true, even in the most supportive person. I would argue that supportive people probably aren't gonna gravitate so much in your orbit, but when one slips in, you just won't be able to believe it's true. And that's so sad.

Super sad. And ultimately we did talk about this further at some point, not at the spa. And when I shared the examples of all the ways that I support him and his family and his kids, it was like

Yeah. Right. And now there's a kind of person who will be able to see that and make a meaningful shift. You know, give their head a shake and go, my gosh, I've been seeing through a dirty lens. Thank you for helping me clean it. Now I can see. But there are more often going to be people who the lens dirties again over and over and over. And you'll have that conversation. You'll think, Great, now we understand each other. But if it keeps slipping back into old dynamics repeatedly, like this is something to look out for. This is part of the projection trap.

Yeah, this is something to look out for on the receiving end, right? If you're like, I'm genuinely supportive and this person just can't ever see it or experience it or receive it in that way, it's good to notice that. And on the flip side, if you might be in that role of I feel that nobody supports me, and you're seeing that pattern repeat over and over and over again. This is not a shaming place, but this is a hey.

You might want to be a bit curious about that. What's happening that in every one of your relationships you experience that as unsupportive? Where is it true and where might it not be true?

And if you're having these kind of unclear experiences that someone's lens keeps getting dirty or yours keeps getting dirty, there is actual simple work you can and should do to clarify this. I think of it as clarifying your signal, right? I think of things in these metaphysical terms where you've got this field of energy and beliefs, and the information from the universe is trying to penetrate. Your internal signal of the universe that lives inside you is trying to penetrate outwardly. And if there's all this muck.

in the energy field, it's getting in the way, it's distorting that signal.

Mm-hmm. And a lot shifted for me when I did the work to clarify my signals. Different things became attractive, different qualities and traits in people and relationship dynamics, and different traits and dynamics became unattractive. I remember someone telling me this. There's gonna come a day where you're not even remotely attracted to this quality in a person.

Mm-hmm.

or relationship dynamic, it's actually going to repulse you. And I was shocked. I was like, there's no way. I'm so drawn in by this. This is my pattern. This is who comes into my orbit. I can't imagine anything different than this. And I'm reporting. It's true. It happened. They were right.

It's true. So I want to say something here about the slowing down, the taking our time to get there. Cause I've often had the experience and I could never understand the opposite experience. If I've had a relationship and now we've broken up, like that is the end of it. Never ever again. Whereas I've seen people who are like, you know, we kind of got back together. I'm like, how on earth? Like, how are you still attracted to this person? And it's because I rushed in, right? I didn't take the time to get to know the person. I was in love with my story. And when my story was dashed.

That was it. And then I could see them clearly. And it was like, I'm not attracted to them. So it was unfathomable to me that people could actually have taken the time to learn, is this a good fit for me? And then they could remain attracted, even if it somehow magically ended up being an amicable breakup where it just wasn't a good fit. Like none of that was in my reality. Well

You let something land after the relationship ended that I refused to do. So I did the same. I rushed in in the beginning. And then I just kept going and going through the revolving door with this same person, whether it was actually in the relationship or just in my mind. So I didn't take the time to get clear on what the lesson was because I was still so attached to it working. I'm like one day.

This is how hope bit me in the butt. I didn't use hope in a very helpful way. I was like, one day, one day it's just all gonna magically change. They will be different and this will work out. That was my optimism. You're right. You often compliment me on my optimism. My optimism is great in some ways and really detrimental and like out of touch with reality in other ways.

Right. That's an excellent example for clarifying a signal, right? There probably was a time where you just would have thought optimism is the only route. And now with a clearer signal, having done some shadow work, you can recognize sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it isn't. This is the realm of nuance and discernment.

Yes. Which is what I realized. I was so drawn and pulled in in the past by the things people said. You say a flashy nice thing, the thing I want to hear, you must be wonderful. You must be capable of also living that way. No, no, no, no. That's not always the case. So after doing this work, my attraction shifted to it is super sexy when your actions and your words line up. That was never on my radar as a thing to look for before.

But now I'm like, I'm really attracted to that.

Mm-hmm. It completely changes our experience of the world. And it changes how other people experience us as well. As we dispel some of our anxious fear stuff, suddenly we're able to slow down. We're able to pace better. People who in the past might have been repulsed by our anxious rush, suddenly they'll be interested in sitting with us.

I used to be attracted to people who moved quickly at the beginning because I just wanted to be chosen. The sooner the better. And now I actually feel concerned about that and repulsed by that. What does this person not have going on in their life that they feel the need to constantly chase me and hunt me down and tell me how wonderful I am?

Mm.

Mm-hmm. This is a really good example. It makes me think about the speed with which we text back or expect replies back. That's a prime location to recognize our projections. If we're busy with a full life and we've got a lot of things going on, we don't have time to text back right away. If we're not, and everything in our life hinges on this text message, totally different experience of a text interaction, right? And on the other side of that,

is a person who's having their own either busy full life and doesn't have time or their desperate need for you to text back. So can you see how this is all related to our inner world and how clarifying that will make all of those interactions easier, more aligned, more true, less loaded.

Yes, like I used to be that reply right away. I have to keep connection going all the time. I don't want to lose it. And when I practiced actually having a life beyond being chosen and trying to keep connection with someone, I was doing my own thing, things that were lighting me up. I would receive their message and actually sit with it and enjoy it. And then keep doing my life and then find a pocket of time later where it felt like there was spaciousness to reply. That changed.

What I found acceptable in how someone interacted with me. Because before it was like, if you didn't text me back right away, my mind went to why can't you do that? How long does it actually take to send a text? And I would completely make them wrong. And now I'm like, I delight in the fact that you have a life and things that are important to you and people you want to be present with when you're actually with them, that you're not always on your phone. I want a balanced person like that. But I was not the balanced person like that in the past.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So you could think of murky signal here as being like signal that's covered with shit, with my own bullshit, with my stories about how awful things must be, right? That's when my response is, why aren't they texting me back? It's a signal that's covered in crap and story. If my response is clear, which is being able to see all of the potential of reality, the simple message there is maybe they're busy. Or if I know them, if it's someone like you, I'm like, maybe they're thinking about it and delighting in the message.

There's no negative story attached to that, right? A s negative story is a sign of a lot of murkiness around your signal. This kind of clarifying and the compounding effects it has in our relationships is completely what we do here at Wholehearted Loving. So our somatic integration sessions twice a month live and the toolkit that goes with it, which is a self-paced thing, is all about the body managing your sensory experience and everything that comes up with emotions, learning how to hold that and grow your capacity.

And then our conscious relationship training is the shadow work piece, the recognizing where that signal is murky, what stories come up, and unpacking all of that for you in real time with real people.

We can't feel a clear signal in us if we don't yet know how to be with ourselves and be with whoever or whatever is sitting across from us.

This is the same skill that you need to be able to sit with that feeling of chemical spark, right? You need to be able to hold that and feel yourself at the same time to be able to introduce that pause that will give you the clarity that you need.

So we're gonna do a little practice together to grow that muscle. Loble. Let's feel and notice that we have a body. So feel what's underneath you, whether it's the chair, the floor, the bed or couch you're laying on. Just give yourself a little wiggle so that you actually feel what's underneath you. And if you're open, place a hand somewhere on your body. It can be anywhere. And you're gonna say these words out loud. I feel me.

I feel me.

And we're going to open our eyes if they're closed. Right. While you still have that hand on you or you feel some part of your body, we're going to look at something. It can be anything. And you're going to look at it and say, I see you.

I see you.

And we'll just play with that again. I feel me.

You might feel me.

So I'm giving my hands a squeeze as I say, I feel me.

I'm going to look at something else in my space. I'm looking at a fan. And I'm going to feel my hands and say out loud, I see you as I look at the fan.

I see you.

And this is the practice of being able to do both at the same time. I'm connected to me, and I see you, the lamp or the fan, or the person, and I actually see that they're here. I actually practice seeing who they really are. So the next version of this, we begin the same way. I feel me. So you some way of connecting to your body where you can feel that you have a body and say that out loud. I feel me.

I feel me, but

Okay. And we're going to look at an object, choose a new one. And you're going to look at it and say, I see you.

I see you.

And what we're gonna add this time is describe something that you see. I see a stuffed monkey with a beaded necklace.

I see a little cactus with waving arms.

Right. So practice that. Practice feeling your body and then seeing the thing you just described. We want to be able to do that when we're interacting with other humans, when we're on a date. You want to be able to feel that you exist and you want to see who's in front of you. You want to be able to say, wow, your eyes are stunning. Right. I'm not saying you have to say that out to the person, but like you want to take that in. You want to see that. Feel what that feels like in your body. Right. You want to feel your body.

Mm-hmm.

And hear how they're speaking to you and notice in your body how that feels. Do you like it? Do you not like it? Are you unsure and you need more time? Which is what we talked about in episode one, right? But you need to be able to feel yourself and see the other and then notice what happens in your body.

Yeah.

Yeah. I want to mention the shift over practice with this, because for me, and I know for a lot of people, it's very mechanical and phony at first. I'm seeing the thing, but I'm not really. I'm saying the words because he told me to, but I'm not really. I remember practicing this in the hot tub at the pool years ago. And it was probably one of the first times that I really sunk into it in a meaningful way. So I'll use the simple example of the feel your bum, feel your feet, which is our like foundational body connection practice.

And for years it was just like, yep, I feel my feet. I feel my bum. These just words I'm saying. When you're like, be with your feet for a minute, like, cool, there they are. Actually coming to be with them, to actually move my awareness down there and have the experience of being with my feet for a moment is a different thing that it took me quite a bit of practice to be able to feel the difference. So don't be afraid or feel like you're doing something wrong if you're just saying the words and it feels mechanical and wrote.

it will change and become meaningful over the time practicing doing it.

Yes, let it feel phony and do it anyways. Yeah. Right. I promise you it will change something significantly in your life and your relationships. Let yourself not fully understand why we would do this practice. Let yourself be skeptical about it. Just try it out and see what happens. Yeah.

Yes, try and do. Knowing doesn't shift the needle, it's the doing that changes things. So do it, just do it.

I always say, you know what, give it a try. What's the worst thing that can happen from you saying, I feel me and I see you? If you want to revert back to your old life where you're completely disconnected to yourself and you're also not seeing the person in front of you clearly, it's totally your choice. Like it's okay. And there's no shame in that. But perhaps you're listening because you're frustrated at old patterns repeating themselves.

And you're ready for something different and you want something different relationally with people. If that's the case, lean in and feel that desire that you have and try a stupid, silly little practice for thirty seconds and see what happens.

Key takeaways, I think, for this episode is that our attractions are familiar and familial, and we may want to shift out of them because they're causing us pain. And we can absolutely do that by clarifying your own signal and getting real and slow about what's happening around you so that you can learn to be with it. Next episode in a couple of weeks, we're going to be talking about how to really come to enjoy your own company.

So that instead of reaching for something familiar that we maybe feel attracted to that's also going to cause us pain, we can really experience that slowdown and maybe stay with ourselves a bit longer instead of trying to run away.

It appears to defeat the purpose to learn how to love your own company when you just really want a relationship. But we guarantee you this moves the needle completely.

It really does. And we're excited for what you can experience there if you stick with us. We will see you next time. As always, please do like, follow, and subscribe. And if anything we've said here today has been helpful for you, please share with somebody that you care about. Bye.

Bye.