First Dates: Being Present with Reality

First impressions are one thing and they're important, but first delulu is another thing entirely. And when we're going into a first date situation, we're often stuck in a daydream which is delightful and we want to make sure that we're not missing the mark on who's actually in front of us. Today's episode is all about first dates and staying present with reality.

Make sure you stick around until the end because we're going to show you a practice that you can use to let yourself really enjoy the juiciness and yumminess of that beginning phase and also stay really rooted and grounded in reality.

You can actually go on a date and never meet the real person in front of you because you're completely occupied with the story of who you want them to be that lives inside your mind.

What do mean? What do you mean? What do you mean I've done this on every first date? Right? Because aren't they already my husband? Like I've already been my husband. I know where we're gonna get married, you know, based on their profile and what we texted each other. I already got a sense.

Yeah.

Yeah. We joke about this a lot. I've had so many very private wedding ceremonies inside my mind with men I haven't even met. I've just overheard somebody talking about them. The story's written long before the reality hits.

Yes. My version of the story is they're really wonderful in my mind. And then also there's a and will they like me? Mm-hmm. And are they gonna wanna see me again? So all of that blended all into one, which has nothing to do with actually the person who's sitting across from me on this date.

Yeah. So we're wrapping that into the first impression as well. So there's already this degree of performance and sort of selling ourselves that we're trying to do. And there's the extent to which that's normal and polite and expected. But we're talking about a degree to which we stop actually being able to pay attention to what's really going on. Right. So we talked a lot about this in in episode two, our patterns and our attractions. There's the meeting maker.

The ego that's trying to slot everything that we're experiencing about this person into our preconceived story. How do they fit into the daydream? Not how are they not fitting into my daydream? You know, unless maybe it's glaringly obvious. And then there's the old wound that we're trying to salve in some way. Do you wanna talk a little bit about that piece?

Yeah, so I remember being on first dates where in my mind I have already made them out to be this is going to be the person, the guy, who finally makes me feel like I'm good enough. I've already painted that picture. Like that's his role I've given him already. And that will feel so good to be on a date with this guy and to be in a relationship with him because I'm finally gonna feel like my silliness is accepted and I'm allowed to just be me and life will be good.

And then I've also been on dates where, you know, a different sort of mindset of this date where I'm like, I'm just gonna be on this date and you're just gonna show me that I I actually belong with my ex. Yeah. And that I should actually call him immediately after this date. Right. So this again has nothing to do with the person in front of me, but I've already gone into that date, giving the date a purpose and an intention and giving the person a role in my story, which is.

yes.

You're either gonna help me feel really good about myself. Finally, you're gonna be the one that cracks the code and helps me rewrite this old story I have about myself that I'm not good enough. Or you're actually going to be the person that confirms my story that I'm not good enough or that all dudes suck. And then I can say, see, done that. Story checks out. See you later.

Yeah, so we're just using them to prove a story. W one way or the other, a positive one or a negative one.

Mm-hmm. And thinking that's a date. And thinking that, I went out on a date, so I put myself out there. And why isn't it working for me? Right. Because it is really vulnerable to go out and meet someone. It's just that we're not always aware we're going out and meeting someone with all of this like pre assigned roles that the date is taking on and that we're putting on them.

This is a a perfect storm of internal reality for us to miss what's really going on with the other person and we won't actually be able to see if they're a good fit for us because we're not even with ourselves. We're with our stories. Meeting the person across from you instead of the story inside your head requires putting your focus and attention on them.

Instead of on yourself. There's gonna be this level of like, how am I showing up? And you know, is there lettuce in my teeth and that kind of thing? That's normal to have nerves and some self-consciousness in that way. What we want to help you work through is grounding yourself before, during, and after in such a way that you're able to be with that and also give presence to the other person.

Yes. So for me, what that would look like now, which I had no clue about before, is I'm actually gonna feel my butt on the seat or my feet on the ground when I'm on a date. And nobody would say, do these things on a date. Those are not the flashy, sexy things that people put on a list of make sure you do these things on a date. But I would never go out on a date now, not having ways to really feel connected to my body.

And even right now I'm sitting here and I just put one hand in the other and I gave it a squeeze. Like I want to know where I am and that I am here. And once I have that locked in, now I'm looking at the person and I'm taking them in, right? You really want to go down to the basics of what do their eyes look like? You know, what are they wearing? Not as a way of judging, but do you actually see what's in front of you?

Yes. And this is so magnetic. So I remember reading years ago in like The New Yorker about a woman who tested this theory out at a party. She decided to go to a series of parties and never say a single thing about herself and only be curious about the other person. And then she consulted with the host of each party afterwards to see what the feedback was. And every single person at the party had said that she was the most interesting person there. And she had never said a single thing about herself. Right. Isn't that why?

Yeah, this is super magnetic and getting curious. I mean, I remember when I started dating, like I worried in advance, what am I gonna say? And it at first I wrote lists. I wrote out lists in advance of things that I might be able to talk about, right? And one day I can't remember what the trajectory of events was, but I decided to throw that out and to just be present with the moment. And holy moly, did that change everything. Conversation flowed, interest flowed.

They were a lot more interested in me. It w it's just a completely different dynamic, shifting the focus outside of our worries and our self-consciousness and out into the presence that we're we're with.

You know, people love talking about themselves. If you let people talk about themselves, you really get a sense of who they are and they get a sense of, I feel that someone here is interested in me. And we all enjoy that feeling of someone being interested in us, right? It's not that you're wanting to go and have a relationship with someone who has no interest in you and they just delight in talking about themselves. We're talking about can I tap into a genuine curiosity, a wonder about

Who is sitting across the table from me? And like what happens as I learn each piece of information about this person? How do I feel in my body to relate to this person in this way? And I think one nuance that's important to talk about with curiosity. We all think curiosity just means asking questions, but there's a form of curiosity that's really from a place of curious wonder and delight in who this person is across from you, or at least

A delight in discovering. And then there's questions that really have to do with interrogation. Where we're trying to figure out are you like my ex? Are you like all those other people? Are you like the people that I'm afraid I'm going to meet and get stuck in a relationship with? And I've been in the camp of interrogator, but masking it as curiosity and kindness and, you know, like, hey, I just want to get to know you. I even frame it that way. But in

I know it's coming from a place of fear of I'm just trying to get as much data as I can to go home and make it mean whatever I want it to mean to help me with my story. And I can really feel the difference now between okay, this sounds weird to say, but I'm gonna say I don't actually care who you are. Like I care who you are as in we're spending time together, we're here to learn each other, but I'm not attached to you being one way or another. I just wanna gather information.

And to ask questions from that place of I'm good with who I am. I'm good if this never progresses any further. And I'm just curious about you. I'm curious if there's enough here for us to like want to do this again. And that is a very different energy than so why did your last relationship end?

And how long did your longest relationship? And I asked all of these questions because I thought they would reveal these patterns about people, which they could if people are answering honestly. But there's also so much more information and context that goes with all of that. And from that place, no matter how honest the answer is from the other person, I'm asking it from a place of fear.

And that puts me in a very different energy when I'm asking the question, but it puts me in a very different energy when I'm on the date. Imagine being on a date with someone who has either a very large and intense energy of fear they're radiating out, or it's sort of just there enough for you to sort of feel it, but they're also masking it with a smile, like they're having a good time. Like are we really getting to know each other in those states?

We're not. And it's so not only is it fear, it's very controlling. And it's also actually completely false on both ends. On the giving end, it's a phony contrivance. And in what it's eliciting from the person is also not true. So you're not getting, how is this person actually? How do they actually respond in life? You're getting how do they actually respond to fear and control tactics? Not the same thing. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's such a beautiful energy when you can ask a question from a place of wonder that is not attached to our old wounds and what we're afraid we're gonna fall back into or what we're afraid someone's gonna do to us. I want us to all get to know the difference in the feeling. Right? It's such a different feeling.

Yes.

It is. It's different feeling on on both sides of it, again, the giving and the receiving. And so I want you to imagine, like, I kind of want to walk through this feeling right now. When you're genuinely interested in a subject and you're trying to figure out like where does this go? You're being with uncertainty and wonder versus like the extreme version of what you're describing is just going into a date, being like, are you a piece of shit or are you not?

And can you feel the different energy between those two? That's what we're we're talking about. And we've we've put lipstick on a pig with the ways that we get around to asking these questions. I'm just curious. Like I actually now feel kind of triggered when people say they're just curious because so often they are not at all curious. They're trying to make a point, you know, they're trying to put you in a box of some sort. And that that really is the feeling of being open and free in a meadow.

Or being trapped in a cage or a box.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think we can flip that and check it with ourselves, right? Do you recall being in the energy of someone who is genuinely curious to know you? They actually have no agenda for who you are or who you aren't. They're just like, who are you? Help me understand you versus someone who's asking you questions, but you can tell like they're grading your answer. Yeah.

Yeah. And and what is the difference in energy for you around that kind of interaction versus the first one?

Yeah. And there's I think a subtle layer of this 'cause I'm trying to make sense of things all the time. We're all trying to make sense of things all the time. So I can say things in such a way that like, so you mean this instead of just like, what do you mean? You know? And it so it's not that I'm grading their answer, but it's that I'm trying to fit them into a box, even unconsciously. You know, I have to give conscious attention to that

all the time. And I still notice it happening all the time that I'm constantly trying to make sense of things and stuff people into categories or sentences into categories instead of just being open and and noticing.

And I think this is the important thing. It's not to say in order to date and date well, you must ask only questions from a place of grounded curiosity and openness. We're a human. We're gonna have judgments come up, we're gonna have fear come up. I'm not dating right now, I'm in a relationship for three years. And I can still tell there's moments where I ask my partner a question. I'm like, ooh, that wasn't really clean. Like I feel like there was a certain answer I was trying to elicit.

Or I'm trying to plant a seed for him for something. You know, like that wasn't just genuine curiosity on my part. And I'm not shaming myself for it. I just want to be aware, I want to catch those moments and like be able to be honest with myself of ooh, that was a bit of a fishing kind of question. Or that was like maybe a little bit of a passive aggressive kind of question of like, if I say this, now it's in his awareness and hopefully he'll do XYZ or start talking about XYZ. And

It's just good to know and catch ourselves with things. And there's gonna be times where if what we're trying to build with someone is a healthy relationship that we call ourselves out on it. I say, hey, I just asked you this. And like I realized that it wasn't coming from like a clean, genuine place. I think I was really wanting to make you aware of this or I'm really wanting you to ask me about this. And, you know, I'm trying to find a sideways way to like get you to get to that place.

Yeah.

Yeah. And when you you mentioned the word clean here, and I think that's so important because I I can imagine everybody listening to this thinking, okay, how will I notice? Like this is in a large way it's a mind noticing, but the easiest, clearest evidence will come from your body. And this is why we're trying to always connect you with your body and noticing your body. Because you can leave an interaction having said or done a number of things that you think are great, but your body will be like that wasn't e you know, that kinda wasn't

Once you practice these body-based practices that we share with you on our podcasts and our programs, it becomes the quickest way. In the practicing of it, it won't feel quick. You're you're gonna be like, What? What is the answer? How do I know the difference? But it's such an investment that is worth your time. And the practices are not difficult. If you're playing the long game, you're like, I want to be able to build a healthy relationship. You really want to build these skills because

You do want to feel that immediate in your body knowing of, ooh, that wasn't really clean. And that it doesn't come with the automatic shame that a lot of us are programmed into dropping into. And that we can just say, hey, I just noticed that wasn't, you know, I made it sound like I was interested in you, but really I was trying to get you to do XYZ or say XYZ. That builds trust with.

people. And this ties into the projections piece, which we're all doing all the time. We have projections about the person in front of us. They have projections about us. And this is what we want to be noticing while we're

dating. What happens for me is noticing which people immediately I feel a certain comfort around. And I've had to learn over the years when is it true, genuine comfort in a healthy way? And when is it comfort because it's so familiar, right? So I might be really used to someone saying all the right things, but something about their body language or just watching how they're interacting with the server, for example.

I get some different vibes of like the words and actions of this person don't really match. And sometimes I might find myself feeling like really comfortable in that because I'm familiar with that in past relationships and childhood. Instead of seeing that as, hmm, is that actually something I enjoy and want in a partner and in a partnership?

So I think the piece that we're getting at here is the ways that they make you feel in your meaning maker. So I'm not talking about do they make you feel warm and tingly? I'm talking about what comes up for you in your psyche, in their presence, what patterns are given rise to. If the person that you're on a date with has a bit of snark, notice how that makes you feel. Does snark line up with your own snark and you think, yay, we can snark together?

Or does it make you feel a little bit E, like that that doesn't feel good to me? Is it the familiarity of home? Is it the way that you want to be in your life? Is it what you're moving towards or away from? What's coming up for you in this person's presence?

And all these little traits from people will land differently. Sometimes we'll encounter something that's very familiar from childhood. And so we feel drawn to it. And sometimes we'll encounter something that feels familiar from childhood and we will purposely be like, I need to move away from that. It's a conscious choice to move away from choosing people who behave the same way. And other times it won't be such a conscious choice. It will just be a body reaction, like a repulsion, right? Like

In my family, there was a lot of verbal aggression. So for me, actually, it is one thing I know that I put up with 0.0% in relationship. Like I'm not like having a person speak rudely and loudly to me and I'm like, this feels familiar. Yes, I like you. I actually feel immediate repulsion. And so it's great to pay attention to how that shows up for you for each of these traits that you either want more of or less of in a partner and in a relationship.

Yeah.

And what it does to your nervous system. So this will really depend on the nervous system state that you're coming in with, you know, like I'm so different now than I was five years ago. I would be heightened and reactive and I would need somebody to meet me in that place in order for it to feel like a match. Whereas now I'd be like, you need to chill out, man. So some key things that you'll notice within your own system, you have to know yourself enough.

To feel when something is coming up in a icky way. I can now clock if I'm in a circumstance where snark is a good example. I feel myself wanting to make snarky comments or feel defensive or feel like I need to be cool in some way. I'm like, I'm activated. Like I need to chill out. And it that may or may not be the result of the other person. That might just be my own stuff coming up. And in those moments, being able

To feel my butt on the chair and to give myself that internal pause really is like having gold in my pocket that I can rely on in those moments.

I even just did it right now, like listening to you talk. I'm like, okay, let me feel my butt on the seat. And then like a huge spacious breath came and I'm like, I'm back to me again in a deeper way than I was earlier, right? It wasn't that I wasn't with you, but I'm like, those resets really buy us time. And time allows us to see someone more clearly.

Yeah, totally. And we get to bring that dynamic as well. When I think about the people in my life who have that settling my system quality about them, where I my tendency to perform when I'm uncomfortable is just offline because it's not needed. That's not a common thing as far as I know, you know? So we're not gonna find that out in the world all the time. We might, and if we do, we must celebrate it. And we have the opportunity to bring that ourselves. It could be that

We are the settling dynamic in this interaction that we're having. And it could be that all the stuff that comes up in our own systems by interacting with this person who might be having their own heightened thing going on, that we're the ones who get to settle that for ourselves and for them. And then we are shifting the dance completely.

When we're very connected with ourselves, we can feel our energy and the energy of the other person and the energy we have together so much more clearly. Like you said, sometimes they might be nervous. And how might it be for us to reassure them of like, hey, we're both human. It's okay to be nervous. I just really want to get to know you. No need to perform here. Like if someone said that to me on a date, then that would feel really settling, right? And I think you can tell.

How?

you got hone in this skill when people are just saying that as a manipulative way to get you to drop your guard versus someone who's saying that from genuine good energy and good intention. My radar for that is sharper now. In the past, any type of love bombing from someone, I'd be like, they're so nice. They like me. This feels so great. Because my bucket of receiving positive affirmation growing up was like

Barren, like empty, the bucket was cracked, broken. So, like, really on a first date, if anyone would just say nice things to me, I'd be like, this is great. This is exactly what I've always wanted that I never got to experience growing up. I like this person. They're great for me. And I would actually feel good and comfortable around that. But now that I've had time to practice and calibrate and really notice when words feel good.

And when they feel a bit like, ee, this feels like a bit much. You don't even know me. I can discern between what feels aligned and what doesn't. It's so important for me to be able to find other ways to fill that bucket so that I'm not trying to get it only filled by the person I go on a date with.

Yes. This is why we're talking about the subconscious psyche stuff that comes up before we're talking about how you feel with the person. Cause we don't actually know how we feel. We're being fooled by our stories and their own. This is why the first part was all about getting to know yourself and your patterns and where your bucket is empty. Because these are components that are so important for you to have established before you can really know how you simply feel with the person.

The way that I thought that I felt after dates when I was like, Woo, this is why we don't trust it later, you know. When we we go away and we're no longer with them, we start wondering, like, was that real? Because our talk always, right? It was a construct that we had in our minds and our hearts that we carried in with us, full of hope, you know, a bucket full of hope. Yeah, bless us. But there's a lot of work that we can do there to get to what's actually real and true, which is what this entire season is all about.

So let's talk now about how you feel with a person.

Okay. I have I have one thing, a confession to make. Is that okay?

Please do yes.

There was a time if I went on a first date and I know that this has to do with a man's stories to another person's stories, but I remember hearing them say, you know what I find important in relationships is space. If I heard that word space, I would be like, you are an avoidant. You are gonna be just like my ex. I need to stay far, far away from you. That would either be one way or I'd be like, ooh, you're afraid of intimacy. Let me change your mind. Let me be so great.

That you're gonna fall so deeply in love with me that you're gonna be like, space? What's space? Who needs space? Space is overrated. And I remember having a physical, like, reaction to a man saying, I really enjoy having space in a relationship. Cause I made it mean so much coming from that anxious pattern of I just wanna be together all the time. The only way I know we're okay is if you want to spend all your time with me. Hearing a man say,

I think it's important that we both have space. I'd be like, you're just one of those

Okay, wait a minute. This is such a lock and key moment. Cause I think odds are pretty good that this man is coming into this moment saying this because he previously had an anxious girlfriend who didn't give him any space. Yeah.

Why, like, where both of our stories are going in this first day, right? Like when I look back at who this person was who said that to me, I know that he said it because he just felt smothered in relationship, right? And then he also felt smothered in childhood. And so he's trying to protect his strong need for independence, for autonomy, for freedom of choice and for like some space of his own, right? Yeah.

Whereas I'm coming in, there was always a scarcity for connection. There always wasn't enough, right, to go around. And there wasn't the understanding and the presence and the connection I really longed for. So the last thing I want is space. And the thing he wants to most protect is space. So he feels a need to say that on our first date. And I feel like a strong reaction to that. Whereas

When I come in after, you know, doing this work and understanding myself and the somatic work and the shadow work, I'm like, yes, of course. Every relationship needs space. Of course, every person needs space. It's sort of like, I don't even need you to say that. It's a given. Right. And I hope that you will give me space as I will give you yours. And I hope that we will enjoy connection. Right. Because otherwise, what's the point? I just wanted to confess that that was a thing for me. I thought that I was

The good one, the more evolved one, the more healed one, the more whatever one, the more ready for relationship one. When really my strong reaction was really showing me there's something unresolved here for you. There's a wound here that needs your care. Right. Where there was a time where you didn't get enough. But like trying to source it from this dude ain't the answer.

Yeah, for sure. A wound there that needs care. So the saying is if it's hysterical, it's historical, right? If there's a big heightened response that you're having, especially on a first date with a person that you don't know, there is something more there than what's present, right? You're you're presencing something from your history and your past. I think it's probably an important piece here to talk about vulnerability and trauma dumping.

Who what are you talking about? Why do we have to talk about that? I thought you meant that that's connection. Isn't that just connection?

Yeah.

Right. Yes. And openness and sharing. Yeah. Sometimes yeah, and sometimes no. So this is a trap that we fall into, especially when we're doing a lot of healing work and we've learned a lot about ourselves and our patterns. Is we want to expose all of that. We want to both demonstrate how self aware we are. We want to you know, establish what we think at the time are boundaries.

We hope that this elicits a certain response in the other person, which is key. If you're hoping to elicit a response in the other person, then there's there's more going on. So there are times and places where it's appropriate, a trustable moment to share vulnerably of yourself. First dates typically are not that. Sometimes you meet and you have this magical connection and you end up, you know, spending six hours talking and you go deep.

But you're gonna feel that sense of is this clean sharing or is it not? Am I desperately putting all of my hopes and dreams in this person's basket and handing them my heart to care for because somebody didn't in the past? Am I expecting something of them? Am I attached to the outcome? These are clues to look for.

I think this is key because I can be a really open person. I longed as a child to really be seen and understood and heard and accepted. So when I've met someone where I felt comfortable to share myself, I might share some things that are personal. But here's the difference when I was dating in the past and where I am today is the thing you talked about expectation.

Currently, I could have this encounter with someone, whether it's a date or some stranger I met that I'm chatting with. And we can go to a vulnerable personal place. But at the end of that interaction, the way I think about it is what a beautiful human-to-human moment that was. And if I never see that person again and never talk to them again, that would be okay. That was just a moment. It arose in that moment. We both felt like the energy was there to share and receive in that way. Beautiful. And then that's it.

But my old self wouldn't have experienced it that way. I would be like, I shared my most deepest, most personal things with you, and you can't even text me back. What the heck is wrong with you? And obviously you're deceiving me because who were you the other day when you were listening to all my stories about my trauma and my experiences, nodding along, sharing yours, and now you can't even return a phone call. Right. That's huge difference for me that I notice where I used to be and where I am now.

Yeah, love it. See how deep it gets, how quickly? We're still talking about a first date with a person. This is a stranger plus one date and maybe some texts and a phone call, you know?

Yeah, a good test for me, which I didn't like to admit, was what did I just say to this person on a first date? And is it stuff that might be more fitting to say to your therapist? Good. Like that's a good check, right? Again, not to say that there's black and white rules and you can never go to that place with someone who's new, but notice, hey, do I have a pattern of going to this place at the very beginning with people who are strangers?

And what am I expecting from them? Or what am I hoping? Or I know for me, part of it was wow, I can finally tell someone my story, my lived experience, and they don't make me wrong for it. They get it. I've just so wanted to be gotten my whole life. So ding ding ding, yay, feels good. Or I'm like finally sharing and I'm noticing you're not running away. Great. My biggest fear is that you'll run away once you discover all these yucky parts of me or

parts I deem as yucky. So let me just put them all on the table immediately and

Yeah.

And if you haven't run away after all that, maybe this means I'm safe here with you and you will stick around. Which it doesn't mean any of that, but that's what I used it for, for sure.

And all of these are gonna be stages in the beautiful healing process, right? We're not saying do not say and do any of these things. We're saying notice where you are in the spectrum of saying and doing these inevitable things that we will all likely do as we're growing.

Right. Underneath all these things that might be going on, what we really want to pay attention to is our bodies. Do you feel a sense of expansion when you're around this person and in their energy, or do you feel constriction?

Yeah. Do you feel like you can be fully yourself or do you feel like you need to shrink?

Right. And some of that will be a byproduct of who you're actually with, because some people have a way of inviting our truest selves out. It feels safe to bring that part of us out. And some people will give us that feeling that your most truest self isn't welcome here. And then here's the personal responsibility part. Sometimes it's us. Sometimes people really invite us to be our full human selves.

And we have old programming that keeps us constricted. So we do want to pay attention to expansion and constriction, but we also want to notice what our pattern is. Do I feel constricted no matter who I hang out with? Then it might not be just the other person. But do I notice the difference between who in my life do I feel expansive with? Who do I feel constriction with? What are some of the commonalities between these interactions that will give you a lot of information?

It's not about judging the other person or yourself or where you're at. You're noticing how you two have this dynamic together. Whatever the situation is, whether you feel open and expansive in that interaction, this is a good sign that you should move forward. If you feel restricted because of either old material or current material, I'm talking about subconscious psychological material. That's a sign that maybe you've got some work to do or this is not a good.

fit. So when you're on this date with this person, underneath all of this subconscious projection stuff that we're doing, you want to notice that feeling in your body of how you actually feel in this person's presence. This is where like, do you feel warm? Do you feel tingly? Do you feel open? Do you feel inclined to share? Or are you shutting down and feeling like this is not a fit?

Yeah. Or do you feel I really need to perform? I need to be funny. I need to be smart. I need to be this, that, and the other. And this can be our old conditioning of I'm only allowed to bring these parts of myself to this date and to this person. Right. So that's really important to practice knowing yourself. And knowing me, if I just use this example, expansion means this is the best person for me and the right relationship and we should get married and whatever.

I'd be marrying a whole lot of the wrong people because I actually felt expansion with a lot of people. Like I felt an ease with a lot of people. But what I didn't practice doing is remembering this thing, which is this is a stranger plus one date. This is a stranger plus one date where I felt tons of expansion. Amazing. My old self would not have been able to put the period at that sentence and just enjoy that feeling for what it was, enjoy that date for what it was.

It would be like, I feel expansive with this person. So obviously we should be together. Obviously I should now continue to pretzel myself in any other way I think might be necessary in order to keep this person around. Like pretzeling myself didn't actually bring a constriction. It was so normal to

Normal. Yeah. This is why it's slow dating, right? Right. I think it's it's next episode or the one after is about pacing and slowing down, right? 'Cause it takes time to notice. Even for you with this expansion pretzling thing, there would come a time if you gave it time when you would realize, shit, I'm contorted, you know? This is not a long term sustainable match.

Yes, right? But what happens if I already married you in my mind? In my mind, we're already exclusive. And this is the danger here is when in our mind we are already further on in our relationship with this person, we are energetically and emotionally more invested than we might actually be. But pacing and time might be showing you this is actually not a good fit.

So that's the how you feel with them. And the other piece that's quite revealing is how you feel after the date and how you feel when they're not around. Because even if you're you've got this expansive, good, glowy, shiny feeling when you're with them, it's giving you good information to notice. If that comes plummeting, tumbling down the minute the date is over, or in the hours afterward, or in the interval between dates. If you're investing so much of your

good feelingness in this interaction with them. That's again giving you data that there's an inside job to do, right? They're fulfilling a role. And the minute they step away, if you start crumbling. Are you I'm talking about all of us.

You talking about me? You know, I saw that so much in my dating life. I'd be on this high and then crash because they didn't call, they didn't text, or they didn't call and text at the pacing that I thought they should have. Hindsight made me realize I'm putting so much power in this person's hands that my emotional well-being is really tied to whether they reach out or not.

And that's a good sign for me. And then I also had the flip side where I went on dates where literally I would somewhat enjoy myself during the date, but immediately after I would cry in my car. And it was because like I really wasn't over my previous relationship. Like I was just so deeply sad. Like spending this time with this person, even if it was good, if it was good, it made me really grieve the fact that that other relationship was over.

Yeah.

If it wasn't good, it made me grieve all the parts that I missed in my previous relationship. And I'm not saying that if that happens, you shouldn't be dating, but I really needed to honor and really see the reality for myself that your heart is so broken right now. It's really important to be honest with yourself about that. Because I fell into moments of pushing myself to date out of a fearful place because I thought if I don't hurry up and find my person, I'm never gonna find my person. And

You know, like F you for leaving me and like that that sort of energy. When my body after each date, it was just devastated. And I realized I need to hold this part of me. I need to be tender with this part of me. I need to not rush this part of me. And this is different because I've also been in, let me ruminate myself into sadness over this ending of this relationship, right?

Yeah.

So there's a difference between I'm gonna keep myself in perpetual sadness so I'm never ready to date versus this is just so intense and so fresh and so real and I'm trying to pretend like it's not. And my body is saying, please stop pretending. This is real. Pain is real right now. It needs to be tended to. Don't just go out on a date and pretend like everything's fine because it's not.

Yeah. So I feel like I want to distinguish here because I really feel that in my heart, too, crying in the car afterwards. And tears can mean so many different things. And I can envision, like I can actually feel for myself. I know there's relationships with friends where it's so welcoming and good and true that when I leave I have to cry because it highlights how much I was missing before.

You know? So that's like integration tears. That's like the welcoming of a new reality and the letting go of something that didn't serve. So I don't want people to think that if they're crying after a date, it definitely means, you know, there's so many and this again, we're back to feeling into what's true and really understanding yourself and knowing what's present and letting it be there.

See, you listen to us and you might be excited to hear what we have to say because we're gonna tell you this information, you're gonna be able to use it. And then you realize, but they don't say what's right and what's wrong. What the heck are we supposed to do with this? And it's because there's so much nuance to all of this. The the core theme piece is we must learn ourselves and learn what nuances within our systems because what Steph says is totally true. I have cried after dates because of exactly what I just said.

But Steph, do you also remember the beginning stage of this relationship I'm in now? I remember calling you and crying that I finally realized how poorly I was treated in my previous relationship and how much I longed to be treated well by a partner and how happy and grateful that I was to get to experience what a healthy type of connection feels like. I grieve for the part of me that thought that that was all I could get. Right. I felt

sad for the part of me that thought that that was okay to be treated that way and to stay and to try harder in that relationship. And so these tears were like that cleansing kind of tears. Yeah. Right. Like, wow, I have closed that chapter. I'm beginning something new. And there's some tears to shed here, which is a very different kind of tears than I'm trying to white knuckle my way through a date and tell myself I'm okay and I'm ready to date when I really wasn't.

Yeah. Indeed. So let's talk about a few other things that might happen other than crying after a date. Because there's gonna be a lot of meaning that we make about all of those things. And there's gonna be a sequence of events that we expect based on our programming, whatever that might be. And there is again nuance there. And there's gonna be social acceptability that we're told if they do this, then it means this and if they don't do that, then it means this and none of it's true unless it is. Ha ha. So

Feeling into it and being with the reality. There's a few things I can think of right off the bat. Texting to make sure that they got home okay, to let you know that they had a great time, or vice versa. The morning texts, which I just noticed my brain was like. The love bomb texts, those are in the same category for me. The, you know, good morning, beautiful, good night beautiful, these things where you fall into a a pattern of

Expectation either on the giving or the receiving end. There are some things that I think we naturally do when we're engaged and interested in a person. We communicate with them, we reach out to them, we wonder what they're up to, and we seek to find out. And sometimes we have time to do that, and sometimes we're incredibly busy and we don't. And it may or may not be an indication of our interest. So I think once you get home from this date, it's important to notice.

What's there and what isn't and what you make it mean.

Yes. And what your patterns are. Once you get home from a date, do you have a pattern to send the text that reaffirms again that you had a good time and you're looking forward to see them again or you're trying to lock down the next time? Or do you have a pattern of that was great and now I retreat and I go fully into my own life and I don't make any contact, right? Or is there some sweet spot in between that you tend to land in? Those are all great things to notice.

I know for me, my old pattern was finish a day and not even like in my car yet. I'm not even home yet. And I've already messaged something that I think in my mind will keep the person interested in me and will stroke their ego or something, not lying, right? Telling them I had a good time, but I'm like, ooh, like if I send this text, then maybe it'll make them like me more, right?

I don't think I consciously thought of all those things, but that was just such a deeply ingrained part of my protective mechanisms. To send something nice, say something nice, tell them how much of a great time I had. And again, that's not a bad thing. That's a very beautiful thing. But notice whether it's coming from a clean place or whether it's coming from a fear-based place, because those carry very different energies. And they either continue a very ingrained.

old protective pattern of yours or they begin a new healthier pattern of yours. For some people, waiting a little while before they reach out is a new healthier pattern. For other people, reaching out sooner than they normally would is a healthier, newer pattern. Right. So it just depends on what you use as you're coping and what you're wanting to practice shifting into or out of.

I would like everyone to take a moment to explore their meaning makers here. Okay, so let's paint the picture. You've left the date, you are now at home. What are you imagining the other person is doing? Are they watching their phone hoping you text? Are they sitting back and enjoying the sensation of having had a wonderful date? Are they a phone off at night person or the battery died and I didn't even notice person?

Are they busy taking care of an aging parent or a young child? Have they fallen asleep?

You know what's funny as you say this, I realize and it shows a really interesting pattern. Doesn't occur to me at all what they're doing. I'm just thinking of what I must do to ensure that connection remains.

Great to notice. Yeah, I can imagine in the past I would have definitely hoped slash expected, slash privately subconsciously demanded and judged if they didn't, that they would send a text afterwards making sure I got home okay or assuring me that they loved the date and would like to see me again. Right. And in the absence of that. Ooh, their faces are like, ooh, danger. Absence of that doesn't mean anything good.

doesn't mean anything decent or neutral, definitely means something bad. Right. So noticing the meaning maker and then the feeling that results from that and the activity that results from that. Your response.

For sure, my old pattern would have made any type of not reaching out meant something bad. Meant I wasn't special enough or they're a jerk or they're avoidant or whatever. It would never occur to me that they have a fulsome beautiful life that they like to be present in. What? Like it never, never in a million years would that occur to me as an option.

And wait, you know why? 'Cause this is a first date and you don't know this person at all.

Also, right? Also we don't know someone, right? But we sure seem okay with making it mean all sorts of things.

So this is what I want people to take away with them. Okay, it's come to our attention that people are using these episodes as practice like book clubs, which I think we actually talked about at the end of last episode. We hoped people would do, and they are doing it. So we want you guys to notice what your meaning makers are doing and to help each other remember that in between dates, right? Like if you're using this material as dating practice and you're talking about it in your own dating lives.

Take that away with you between dates. When the date is over, call your group of friends. Notice what your meaning maker is doing and engage that support structure because they're gonna be the ones that help you remember that you are slipping into a pattern that's unhelpful and that's unnecessary and that you're trying to practice something healthier and better feeling.

And it can be quite comedic as well. Like we actually have an ongoing conscious relationship WhatsApp thread, right? And I remember one thread in there was let's report our wild minds, right? And people were reporting, Hey, saw this person at the gym and my mind made it mean this. And I saw this person, whatever, and this person said yes to this and I made it mean this. And we just had such a good laugh at our meaning makers of like how quickly we make things mean outrageous things that could be true or not true.

It's a nice way to see the common shared humanity in all of us and to start recognizing our patterns, right? I think that's a great place to get into revealing your mind.

I remember revealing my mind in that way to a guy I would gone on a two dates with. I had this horrible pattern of thinking that people are on the same page that I'm on, even when they're not I just let loose like walls of text about you know, here's what's happening inside of me, ha ha ha. And he he was not you know, in conscious relationship training and did not know where I was coming from and it

Must have been a pretty peculiar thing to receive from somebody who's not in that boat.

Yes, so context, right? Choose the people where you're gonna really do the dumping with on purpose, intentionally, so that you don't dump with people who are like, we don't have that established relationship or agreement that we're just gonna dump everything that's on our minds here to each other. Often people will come to us and tell us about this wonderful date they went on with someone. And then it's been however many hours or days, and they haven't heard from them or they've only heard briefly from them. And the question inevitably is always.

What does that mean? And I always like to say, I don't know. And either do you. Yes. It could mean a whole lot of things. Yeah. And we watch people get really worked up and make it mean all sorts of things and, you know, debate certain boundaries they need to set into place and whether they need to sort of write this person off already. And if the next time they call, they're going to really tell them how disrespectful that was and blah de blah blah. Yeah. And then

Yeah.

We'll get a message. Huh. They messaged. Everything's fine.

I was going crazy. Like, yeah, we know.

And I've been there too. I've been there too, right? So hurt, written someone off, think that you got played, and then all of a sudden they show up and like apparently everything's fine and they were just living their life, being busy, whatever the heck it was, right? But it had nothing to do with us personally. And only time will show you what the collection of experiences are meaning.

Yeah, it's true. Okay, we really need to wrap this up because we're going long, but I can see that we're about to do a massive oversight, which is what if you've kissed them or had sex with them? Okay. Because that is gonna make your little bean up there go bazonkers. What you said about the chat and people reporting their minds reminded me of this because there's a woman in one of our groups who messaged me saying, God

I went on a date and it was amazing. And you know, we had the six-hour-long conversation and we felt so connected and like I didn't intend to sleep with him, but I did. And now I'm going crazy. Like Yes, I'm delighted that you know that. I'm delighted that you've come here instead of going to him with this. And here's the visual that I gave her. Cause this is chemically what's happening, right? We are hijacked. The minute we involve physical contact in that way, maybe it's

fluid exchange. I don't know quite where the line is, but there's like oxytocin bump, like all kinds of stuff happens chemically. And that stays with your body for several days. I believe three days is the threshold. So here's the visual I gave her. Your mind body is a hotel and at the front desk used to be it was you. You were there on the date and at some point you left and a lunatic took over. The chemical lunatic took over. And she is going to be

at that front desk for three entire days, at which point it will be a shift change and you'll come back. So your job is to manage this hotel that is your body from an observer state while this person is, you know, at the wheel.

This is normal to be expected. If you anticipate this, you can work with it. If you know the what did you call it, the hotel concierge that's a bit loony is going to be on shift for three days, you know, to expect there might be some weird interactions here. We might need to sort of make sure someone's supervising, right? More than when we're back online. And know, hey, for these next three days, I might want to.

have other things that I can place my attention on. And so I'm not just swirling in my mind about this and making them wrong or making myself wrong about what happened. And falling back to our body practices that help us bring some regulation. Enjoy the beautiful parts like that come up of ooh, I connected with someone. Ooh, there was something beautiful about those six hours that we exchanged. And then we both felt comfortable enough to connect physically. Wow, how exciting.

What a shame to not even get to enjoy that and just be in crazy making mode in our minds.

So in addition to the body practices and the mental self checks, you physically need to get that out of your body. You need to get the words out. And instead of sending walls of text to the person, have a group of friends that are prepared for this. We also have another WhatsApp group called The Vent, where people go, nobody responds. That's the understanding. It's a place to go to dump the things that are not helpful to say.

Other places, either to family or to dates or to whatever it is. The other piece here is that the set of normal expectations you've got on a first date afterwards, totally different set of expectations once you've had some kind of physical contact. And sex and kissing might mean such different things to each other. So you might leave going, now this means X, Y, and Z. We've connected. Now we're in love. Now we're getting married.

Why haven't they messaged me? Like the meeting maker will blow up into a whole different realm. So very important to be able to communicate all of those thoughts and fears in an appropriate setting with people that you know love and support you and understand what you're doing. And that is not the person, even if you got intimate, that you've just met. You simply don't know them well enough to know if they can hold you in the same way that your loved ones do.

I think this is really key and it's such a nuance because a lot of us just didn't get the emotional holding, the physical holding, the welcoming of us sharing that we needed to get as children and young people and in past relationships. So we have a beautiful connection with a person who essentially is a stranger plus one date or stranger plus three dates. And all of a sudden we're bringing

All of our emotional up, down, sideways stuff to them because we felt a kinship with them. That's not going to be the healthiest place for you to bring that because it doesn't honor that you're just strangers plus a couple dates, plus it puts us in a really vulnerable position. And it also has us not operating fully in reality. Right. We're having an intimacy that is going at a faster pace than reality.

We don't even know this person. Can we truly trust them? Time will tell. I see this a lot with people dating who ask these very new people for help with all sorts of things, like things around the house, practical things, errands and whatever. It's actually quite beautiful to learn to receive from people and to ask for help. But what I see is patterns of false intimacy. And often it has them stay in something when there's actually really no foundation for it.

Or it has one or the other feel obligated in some way. So pay attention to these things that Steph's talking about. What's healthy and helpful to bring to a new person and what fits better to bring to your support network?

Yes, indeed. And I I'll offer this here. This book club support network idea. If this is something you guys want, we're very happy to set something up to support you guys with this. Whether you've got people around you, if you want some kind of a structure, like a more formal thing that you can do every week or whatever time frame. Or if you don't have people around you and you want to be able to connect with others who are in the same boat.

Comment, send us a message, let us know and and we'll come up with something helpful for you. And maybe you can now walk us through a practice. We spoke at the beginning about something that would help us connect with the lovely daydreamy fantasy nest, but also reality. Is that still what you're feeling?

Yes, yes, yes, let's do that. So maybe you're currently in this situation and so you'll have something to pull from, or maybe you want to imagine when you were in this situation where you felt the butterflies and you felt that daydreamy energy. Or maybe you want to practice with something completely unrelated to dating. The prompt is going to be something I'm really enjoying right now. This just use that prompt and say it out loud.

So for me, if I think back to the beginning stages or the first date with someone, I would be something I'm really enjoying is the way you look at me each time at dinner. And like just let yourself feel that. Like I I'm bringing myself to our first date and I'm remembering what it was like seeing him look at me. And I can feel how good that is. And then shake that off. This prompt and the reality is.

Fill it in with the reality. So I would have been like, the reality is this is day one. I have no idea how the rest of our connection will unfold in our time together. Right. And if I say that out loud and I sit with it, I actually feel my body settle a little bit of like, right. Right. And you can go back and forth. I love the way that you look at me across the dinner table and that smile on your face. And I can feel the butterflies in me, even thinking about this now, this three years ago.

And the reality is this is the first day we've spent together. And I don't know how the rest will unfold yet. It's pairing what I feel really excited about, what I'm enjoying, what feels really good, and then pairing it with something that reminds you of the reality. The reality might be, I know what this person has told me, but I really haven't seen them in day-to-day life. Or the reality is I really like what they've been texting me. And the reality is we haven't even spoken on the phone yet.

Like that is a huge one, right? Or I really love how we engage in phone calls or on FaceTime. And the reality is we haven't gotten to experience each other's energy in real life yet.

There's such a huge piece too about the story. So like something I notice is that I want a really big love that feels, you know, like X, Y, and Z. And the reality is that we haven't met in person yet. It doesn't need to just be about the situation in front of you. It can also be about all the backstory.

Yes. And it can be even about the feeling. Like I love this feeling of going on a first date and feeling excited to get to know this person. I feel excited to go on this date. I love fantasizing that this could be my person. Like we can admit those things. If those are true, admit it and feel the yumminess of that. And then add in. And the reality is we're going to see each other tomorrow for the first time.

How about one of the things I love is the yummy feeling that I'm feeling thinking about this date. And the reality is that I'm generating that yummy feeling right now in the room by myself without that person even being there.

Yes. Hello. That's the best one so far. So, like, enjoy the parts that feel good and then keep yourself tethered to reality. That's all we're saying. We're not saying don't you don't have to be a Debbie Downer. This is not a Debbie Downer kind of thing. This is both pieces are that that thing that you're yearning for, or you're enjoying the yumminess of, or you're excited about. True.

I won't.

True. Yes.

Yeah. Also true, haven't met them in person yet. Also true, it's only been text. Also true, maybe you've gone on one date.

Hear, here. Yeah. Reality's important. Yeah. So to recap this entire episode here, what we're saying is that we go into first dates with hopes and dreams. And those can block us from seeing what's really in front of us. And there are some simple ways that you can come back to yourself and your body in the moment to observe what's in front of you.

And once you've observed that, you can notice what it brings up for you in terms of thoughts and stories and defenses and real feelings in your body. And then you can notice what feelings arise when you've left, when you're not with the person, what's still there, what has changed, and what does that tell you about yourself and the connection.

We're really passionate about you enjoying the dating process. So if you want help in creating some sort of dating book club, let us know because we wanna help you guys arrange that so that you can have support while you're doing this brave, courageous, and hopefully fun thing.

Yeah, hopefully fun thing. It's true. We've also got programs that we've mentioned throughout. The relationship lab is where you practice these skills on your own while also in a group. Then conscious relationship training is where you go a lot deeper into the subconscious material and patterns that you're bringing into relationship and challenging them head on with somatic support. So if you want to check any of those out or drop us a line, we are at wholeheartedloving.com and we're on Instagram at Wholehearted Loving. And that's it. Okay.

Waiting.

Happy dating! Yes, as always, please do like, follow and subscribe. And if anything we've said here today has been helpful for you, please share with somebody that you care about. And we'll see you next time.

Bye.