Finding Your People & Making Connections

You are probably here wondering where to find your people, because that is what this episode is titled. And indeed, we're going to tell you about some places, but probably you already know them and you've tried them. What we're introducing here is that this place is actually a dimension of yourself. It's a mode of being. The more yourself you're really being, the more you're gonna be drawing your people in. We're also gonna talk about how to approach those people when you find them, or how to be approached. Today's episode is all about. Finding your people and making connections.

And stick around to the end because we'll show you a practice that actually helps you feel a bit more at ease when you decide you want to approach someone or someone approaches you.

Where to meet people. There's basically two options. It's out in the world or it's online. So let's start by talking about the apps, because everybody's going to be on the apps anyway. And my main beef with the apps is that you can't feel someone's vibe. Like that's an in-person activity and they can't feel yours. The other piece is that apps have given us this illusion of connection. Like it's easier to meet people, but it's actually harder to actually connect with the real person.

Can't carry depth. You can't get a sense of who's on the other side just as much as they can't get a sense of who you really are.

This is why we do things in person. So the in-person advice is usually like go to a bar, join a club, do something that you love doing and someone will just like naturally enter your field, which is partly true if you, you know, are being yourself.

And I think that's the key because in person we edit ourselves. And also on our profiles, we edit ourselves. When I really think about my dating time, if I think of who like my true essence is, my true essence is playful, bubbly, spontaneous. But if I think back to the profiles I wrote about myself, they're very serious because I was trying to weed out, you know, doofesses. And They were fear-based. They talked about the things that I was no longer willing to put up with because I had experienced hard things in other relationships. And none of it conveyed who I am and my vibe and my energy and what's beautiful about me. And what a shame because how would anyone know this person seems interesting? They seem like my kind of person when I'm editing my profile so much to either write from a place of fear on my part or Write from a place of what do I think other people want to read or see me as and what will seem attractive to them? Let me write that about myself.

Yeah, right. It's a sales pitch. Yeah. Which is not the same as just being in a vibe. If you think back to like high school comes up for me, or some place where you have to be often and people are seeing different aspects of you and getting to know you and kind of getting a crush on you over time and experience. That's really what we're kind of trying to recreate with things like joining clubs and going out and doing something that you love. And this is completely what we've been talking about for the first three episodes. We're all about getting to know yourself. The sales pitch that you want to be putting out there is actually a representation of your deepest and truest self, right? There's lots of parts of ourselves that we've shut off or cut out or thought were bad or wrong that are actually gonna open up this dimension that I'm describing so that your people can come in. It's a an opening, it's a metaphysical, energetic opening that you're creating.

So Steph is doing this opening kind of gesture with her hands and it connects exactly to this feel that I have that I want to pair with. It's like walking into a room and saying, here I am. This is me, right? It's like unapologetically showing who you are, bringing the energy of yourself and trusting that the people who are drawn to you will appear and show themselves. And the people who are like, ooh, yuck, that's not my vibe, they'll find their way out. And that's what we actually want.

That's what we're going for. Yeah. Feel the difference in energy. So last episode we talked about enjoying your own company and how when you're having a good time, that's the energy that you're bringing. And if you compare that, imagine like, I'm going out and I'm joining this group and I'm showing up hoping that I'm gonna meet someone and I don't really know if I want to be here, but it's full of shoulds and like all that sort of heavy or cloying or grasping energy that we're bringing. That's not really a representation of our fullest self. It's a segment of ourselves, just the desperate, hopeful, needy part of ourselves, which is, of course, part of ourselves, but it's not the whole picture. Right. So just like a dating app profile is giving us a tiny segment of you, the energy you're bringing, if you're not consciously trying to bring more of your energy, is just going to be a little part of you. And that makes it harder to open up that doorway in the fabric of reality.

The abs can really suck us in and really feel like the only answer for us to find our person. That makes us lose touch with all these other elements and juiciness of our life. It's in the real world that we get to not only show people and give them a sense of our vibe and our energy and how we relate to ourselves, that's where we get to pick up all this extra data of how is this person's energy and how do they relate to other people. And to themselves. Like I really enjoy watching how strangers relate to other people and situations happening in real life because I'm collecting a lot of data. I'm like, that seems like a really interesting person. Or I really didn't like how that person spoke to the barista. Like, that's data for me. I want to know those things. And people are not writing on their profiles. I smile and say nice things to your face, but I'm sort of an ass to the barista.

Exactly.

You discover that in real life, bringing your real self to real life and observing other people doing real life.

This is exactly the thing that's happening in group settings where you're kind of getting to know somebody before you decide if you're interested in them, which is the inverse of how we're doing this dating thing. Like I think, especially when we're younger, when we're connecting with somebody in that kind of environment where you get to get a sense of them and then you think I'd like to ask them out. We're doing this opposite faux edited sense online thing. And then we're going and meeting them and trying to collect all that data in this contrived circumstance where we're also performing. Like it it's just kind of backwards.

Yes, I remember like watching boys in junior high and I'm like watching how they hang out with their friends or I'm watching how they talk to their teammates or what happens when a teacher gets mad at them about something, like what's their response? And in my body, something's happening each time I'm observing how someone is out in real life, and I'm either being like, Ooh, I like that boy, or that wasn't really nice what he did or said, and I'm collecting all that data. And all that data together lands me on I'm interested or I'm actually not. Or I thought I was, you know, for the first three weeks of school. And the more I observe how they interact, I'm like, actually, it's not really my vibe. But in dating with these apps, we're like looking at one profile and making it mean all sorts of things already about a person and deciding we like them, we're gonna marry them, and they should choose us before we've spent any time with them.

Sure. What's coming up for me as you describe this is how people handle frustration and disappointment and anger. And I'm thinking about how easy that kind of stuff is to hide and be super friendly with the barista and whoever on the on the first dates, maybe for the first few months. And then their true selves are revealed over time once you're, you know, already in love and living with them and it's it's not too late, but it's certainly feeling that way. You know? So one of the I think regular zones in which we tend to go on dates and meet people is a zone that I think is a danger zone for this application. And it's bars. It's going to bars and having drinks together. And that's great for kind of loosening things up, but it's also kind of telling, right? Like if I need to be loosened up, there's something in there that I could maybe be bringing a bit more of myself to right off the bat. I'm definitely gonna get a slightly artificially loosened version of the person and of myself. It speaks to inhibition going in and seeking some external way of becoming uninhibited. I think this is super normal. And I'm not saying it's bad or wrong, but I'm saying it's something interesting to look at. Like I we've got a friend who I think would be kind of drunk before she'd go out on dates, you know? And and that's a a point in life, you know, we Not all of us, but many of us have had that experience. And is that something that you want to carry forward? What are the results of that? Like this is all just data and good information to.

Mm-hmm. This is more about giving yourself the opportunity and them the opportunity to get a sense, a taste of what it's like to really spend time with you in life. And if you're like, I don't actually mind if we're drinking all the time, then great. But if you're like actually in the relationship part of things, I'd actually like to know how this person functions, what their energy is like, how they deal with things that are hard, how they deal with things that are exciting. Then maybe you also want to give yourself the opportunity to practice hanging out with them without drinks and just see how does my body feel around this person when I'm just being me and they're just being them and we're not having any substances alter our experiences of ourselves and each other.

There's an obvious piece in there about nerves, right? We're full of nerves. And I think I want to say right off the bat, nerves are pretty sweet. They're sweet to nerve somebody, right? And it's also sweet for us to be able to be held in our nerves or to see if we can be, you know? And that can feel like a big job. But this is also hearkening back to episodes one to three. We talk a lot about this kind of stuff, how to be with your own experience. And how to share that with somebody. That's pretty much the point of relationship. And if we're trying to avoid that by, you know, narcotizing it away, then we don't get to hold each other through that. We don't get to know how somebody deals with hardship and difficulty and nerves day to day, or we're learning that they actually don't, or maybe that we don't, and that we actually do have to narcotize them away because we haven't learned how to be with that experience for ourselves yet.

Imagine going out on a date and you're feeling sort of giddy and excited, nervous. And you can just show up and say, my gosh, I'm feeling a bit giddy and nervous and excited. I really want this to go well. And you get to hear the person's response. Like if someone said that to me, there would have been a time because I was not friendly with myself and my feelings that I would probably judge them. Like, what kind of person is this? Weirdo. But then when I'm really being true to myself, I'm like, how sweet. That they're being that honest about their real in the moment experience and they're trusting me with that. Yeah. And for me to be able to say, Yeah, me too, or it's okay to be nervous. Let's just see how things go. In relationship with someone, that is the exact kind of person I actually want to be with. Not someone who's gonna look at me like I'm some weirdo freak because I'm telling them I feel nervous or excited about something. Yeah.

We've spoken about this as well, attracting a reflection of ourselves. Right. So if we're telling ourselves that we're a weirdo who shouldn't be allowed to have the feeling of being anxious, odds are good we're gonna attract someone who's like, what a weirdo, you know? And and then that just reinforces our story about that. And what we're talking about here is what I like to call being yourself out loud, being the most yourself and seeing what the response is. So This is what's meant by, you know, joining clubs and doing things you love. The point of that is to be expressing the most self that you have. And we've also spoken about this in past episodes. A lot of what we think that we like might actually be our old conditioning, things that we should like or things we've been told we should like or ways that we're trying to market ourselves to the public. And we want you to go deeper than that. We want you to feel your fullest expression and to be sharing that in the world, nerves and all.

Yes. This is why I love the idea of walking around our house. Maybe we'll practice this later. Like walk around your house just in different energies. And these are all energies that are true to you. I'm sure sometimes you're excitable, sometimes you're serious, sometimes you're goofy, sometimes you're sad and depressed, whatever. Walk around your house in those different energies and Notice how it feels. Then practice walking down the street in that energy. Go buy your apples at the grocery store in that energy. And notice what happens that feels different for you. And notice the interactions and how different they are. Yes.

The energy that you're carrying within you is manifesting something outside of yourself. So yeah, the where to find people might be joining a club or going to buy apples, but it's the self that you're bringing that's gonna make all the difference. I'm reminded of my angry storming, I can't remember what we called her. She like thumped around. I'd walk around my it's like a trendy yoga neighborhood I lived in. I'd get all like dark, dark makeup, dark. clothes and stomp around angry stomping walks. That's what it was. Cause that was an energy I needed to explore and express. And this is a worthwhile endeavor. Exploring and expressing your energies, feeling on what's most true in any given moment, and then taking that out into the world and being yourself out loud.

Right. The problem is that we are often not aware of the energy we are feeling inside and radiating out into the world. And when you're not aware of it, then you can't tweak it in any way to come back into alignment or tweak it in a way that supports what your goal is. If your goal is I want to meet people who can really see the real me, well, are you walking down the street like the real you? Because if you're not, how are these people supposed to find you?

Right. This is also part of being dynamic. It like if you're a dynamic person who has many moods and many facets and many hairstyles and whatever, you've got to express those. I think we have this illusion that we're meant to heal into a place of some sort of steady constantness. And I

Yeah.

Yeah, right. Or marketable whatever acceptability, like there's gonna be some end point where it's just like this is me, I'm like this all the time. And I think the big healing is actually embracing all of your many parts. And again, this is what we come back to in these venues where we're spending a lot of time with people on a regular basis. They get to see all these interesting facets of us. Or if you're not a dynamic person, if you are steady all the time. It's important that you be that and you not pretend to be something that you're not because you're wanting to really attract what actually is true for you instead of putting on a big show, right? So the question is where are you hiding? Where are you performing? Where are you not showing up in your life?

Mm-hmm. If I think about how I used to be and how I am now, people's impression of me, people who would see me out in the world would create probably a very different impression of me. They would experience me very differently. So I have two examples just from recent moments of you know me stuff. I'm a wiggly person, but this other thing that I do when I'm excited is like class like this, like seal. And I do that with whoever I'm with, even if they're a stranger in that moment, if that excitement washes over me. And what's really cool now, I'm not dating now, I'm in a relationship, but if I were putting this in a dating perspective, anyone who saw me, who potentially could be my person, would see, wow, this is a person that like feels delight and then expresses it right away. They're either gonna be like, I like that, that's really cool, or they're gonna be like, Yeah, not super into that. But they're gonna get some data from me. Or they might actually be the person that I'm standing there clapping like a seal and like grinning ear to ear. And they're either gonna melt and be like, wow, who is this person? I need to get to know her. Or they're gonna be like, wow, way too much for me. Not my style, not my vibe. And that's great. I want that. And just recently I was on the plane flying and I was watching a movie. And it totally caught me off guard how emotional I would get. I was bawling my eyes out. At my window seat of the plane. And I thought, I wonder what this person next to me thinks. And it felt so nice to not be nervously panicky wiping my tears away. I was like, you know what? I'm watching a movie. I feel deeply moved. It was the cheesiest, corniest movie. So it's not even something that, you know, is deeply emotional in that sense that maybe we feel like I need this reason to get that deeply in touch with my tears. It was just sad. I cried. And Anyone around me in that plane who saw me would get that sense of this is a person who's okay just crying in public for whatever reason right now. And they would get a sense of, that's a vibe I like, or that's something that's not my vibe and now I have a sense. Yeah.

You're allowed to be yourself. And I wanna acknowledge how permission giving that is for people. There are gonna be people who are like, yes, I love that she's allowed to be herself. That means I'm more allowed to be myself. So I feel safe and comfortable in this vibe. There are also people, in fact, past versions of our very selves, who are not okay with that. We're like, I'm not allowed to be myself. So what the hell are you doing being yourself? I'm uncomfortable. I'm going to hide or shame you or make some kind of comment that illustrates my displeasure and discomfort about this fact. One of the ways that I have done this in the past, I was a very, very hard woman for a long time. I was very defended. And the thing that I thought was cool, and I know I'm not alone in this, is that I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. And what that was actually protecting was I give a huge, tremendous fuck. about things that I feel I need to hide. And the healthy grounded version of that that I've come to is that I care very deeply about things that matter to me. And I can defend those, you know, heavily and with big swords if needed. But the swords are not needed all the time. And I don't need to be behind a big thick wall to hide what matters to me and pretend that nothing matters to me. So a huge part I think of being yourself is being able to acknowledge what matters and to just accept that you're allowed to exist.

And that the people who are drawn to you are very attracted to the fact that those things matter to you. Or even if they don't find value in those same things, they're attracted to you taking a stand for what you value. Right. And the people who can't see the goodness in any of that are obviously not your people.

Right. And if you've got the like oomph and the energy to represent and be like, no, I care and I feel and I'm allowed. And if you can stand up and display that, even among other people who are like, What is she doing? That's such a powerful position to be in. And I think that can really change the world. Like, even the people who are like, Eee, what is she doing? They go away with that little bit of extra permission tucked into their back pocket. And there's gonna come a time where they get to feel that for themselves and you got to represent it. So if there's any element of you that's prepared to be more yourself out loud, I would really encourage you to do it.

Mm-hmm. And the flip side is also helpful to remember. Think of the people in your life, whether they're people you actually personally know or people that you know just exist in this world, who you have a sense that these people are at least a little bit more self-expressed than you are. And these are people you like and respect. And can you sit for a moment and pair those two truths together? This person is a little bit more or a lot more self-expressed than me. And I also like and respect them. And so we're pairing these two things together that we always thought weren't true that being myself can't make me likable. And that's not true. We don't believe that for other people.

Yeah. Right. What about could we give maybe some examples of places where we might classically go to meet people and then give examples of the different vibes that we could bring with us to that place and the different experience we might have there? Okay.

Okay. So I have an example and it's at the gym. And I've never gone to the gym to like meet guys, but I was at the gym and this was a gym where everyone has their own personal trainer. So you're not really like just walking up to people and talking to them. And I remember distinctly the feel of noticing what it's like to see a man who I find attractive and then trying to sort of lift the weights in a certain kind of way, right? To get some attention or, you know, look Like I know what I'm doing or look strong or whatever the thing is I think I need to portray. And there's nothing wrong with that. My point is that it feels different energetically for me versus the times when I'm just shooting the shit with my trainer, having a good time, being me, lifting, and there's some dude across from me. And like we engage in some way because that's the natural flow of the energy there. And one feels so much better. Than the other. One is really self-oriented. And what I mean by that is I'm in my own energy, being me, interacting with my trainer, just doing my thing. And it radiates a certain energy. The other is in very other oriented, very other focus. Like, there's that hot guy. How should I move or which weight should I pick this weight or that weight? And like, how should I position my butt? Like that's all other oriented and it's gonna feel different. So my invitation to you is to start noticing what it's like to be in the energy of self-oriented, meaning I'm just doing my thing versus other oriented of how do I behave in a way that's gonna bring attention or make attention not come or give them the thing I think they wanna see or hear. Experience those two energies and see what they feel like for you. Yeah.

This is making me think of predators and prey. And pick me's like desperados. And then also just the energy of genuine appreciation versus like creepy cat calling. You know the difference when you're just like, wow, I really love that thing versus yeah, look that. You know? Totally different energy.

Yeah. And notice like, what is your truest expression of that energy? If you're attracted to something or someone, what is your truest expression of that? If you were to just feel that and let that energy radiate outwards, or if you were to feel that and let someone know, versus I feel this attraction, but now I gotta like morph it into some weird energy that I think is expected of me or suits the situation or makes me feel less vulnerable. Catcalling, you know, some of it is just harassment, but some of it can be like there's true interest and attraction there, but it's too vulnerable and tender to be that honest. And so I'm gonna cat call instead.

Right. I think that's a huge key. Noticing what's the most genuine, enthusiastic, tender, vulnerable expression of something. And noticing the layers of complexity that prevent you from expressing that as simply as it's felt. Right. Because it's such a pure sensory experience internally. But then we get these layers of shoulds and shame and fear and you know worries that we're gonna look stupid or sound vulnerable or whatever it is. And that morphs the signal, right? That distorts what we're putting out. This is really what we're talking about. What parts of ourselves are we hiding? How are we being most ourselves or how are we not? Yeah.

Yeah. As I'm hearing you talk, I'm like, I know the exact practice to share with us later. Because like of course it's vulnerable to show someone I'm interested, I feel attracted to you. Sharing that with another human opens us up for possible rejection or being left at or whatever the thing is. So we really want to practice being in that energy when we're by ourselves. Because when you don't know how to recognize that energy when you're by yourself and you already hold yourself back and shut yourself down, expressing that when you're by yourself, what are the chances that when you're actually in interaction with someone, especially someone you're interested in? that you're going to be able to show the truest version of yourself in that moment.

And practice with friends, like practice with yourself in safe places. Join our monthly membership, practice there. See if you can notice what aspects of yourself you're hiding, where you're playing small, and what fears come up that prevent you from being out loud as yourself. If you can get radically honest about where you're hiding and where you're performing and why and what you're protecting with that. and open that dimension up a little more so that you can meet someone who's really your person.

So can you give us some examples of where you would have hid like what parts of yourself do you think you hid in this sort of dating trajectory of yours over time?

Yes, my softness, very hidden, very tender, very much covered with sarcasm and loudness and and for many years a lot of alcohol, right? That was the only way to get to my core. It wasn't really my core. It was some performative version of it. Yeah. Softness for sure. And inversely, at the same time, bigness. Like I'm a big, energetic, powerful person. And I didn't know how to. do that with also softness and vulnerability existing at the same time. They seemed like opposites to me.

Yeah. So I'm curious. So you're hiding both parts of yourself, essentially. Like you're you're showing the world like a dampened down version of both of these really beautiful parts of yourself, which what a shame. And how would your person find you if you're showing 35% of each of these parts? That's not the real you. Yeah. Right. So I'm curious. Were you aware you were hiding it from yourself? Or were you like, No, I'm super aware of my softness. I'm just hiding it from other people or were you like, I don't even I'm not soft. What do you mean?

Soft. Didn't know. No. Soft was for wussies, had no idea. Okay. The this is all the whole emotional body that I suppressed and was repressed by others when I was younger because people don't know how to hold a lot of that and just don't have time, right? Like really well intentioned loving adults don't have a lot of time in their busy schedules to deal with incredibly emotional, energetic kids in the same way, right? So we dampen. And I think I learned a lot of activities to actually dampen all of that in myself because I didn't know how to be with this thing that I didn't know actually existed at the same time. Right.

So I think this is a really important key because you can't bring your softness or your bigness that you don't even know you have, right? So when we're saying bring your fullest expression of yourself outward into the world, it's not like we go from this to that overnight. I think that really sacred part of this journey is learning to discover who we are for ourselves. Yes. Right. Once you discover, there's more softness in me than I realized, or there's more bigness in me than I realized. And let me learn how to come into a more loving, accepting relationship with those parts of myself, then it actually becomes quite easy to bring that out into the world. We're thinking, this thing is just hard. Well, it's hard to bring something you don't even know you have, and that if you did know you had, you hated out into the world. Who the heck wants to do that?

Yeah.

But if you honor that type of work, that's sacred, self knowing, self acceptance, like really cherishing these parts of yourself, then it just ends up being a byproduct. You just radiate that energy out into the world of I like my softness. I also like my bigness. And this is who I really am. And if you don't, that's okay.

Yeah, just not a bit. This is why the first segment, the first part of this whole season is all about knowing yourself. So episode one, we talked about getting to know yourself and your body's signals. This is so that you can begin to notice where there's a yes or a no or a maybe. That's all the stuff that your body tells you when there's something more hidden for you to explore. The second piece was knowing your attractions, understanding the patterns that you're bringing. This is all the conditioning that tells you where you've shut down or been shut down, where you're performing, where you're not. And the third piece was enjoying your own company, which is where you get to know a little bit more of that inner monologue, how that's working, how you can be kinder to yourself and actually bring that entire lovely energy that we're saying we also want you to bring out into the world to find your people.

Mm-hmm. As I'm hearing you talk, I realized that this one voice that used to be in my head doesn't exist in my head anymore. How should I be in this situation and this moment? Like it it's not a question that crosses my mind. I don't panic about it. Because I'm just actually being. Yeah. I'm just being. If I'm excited, I'm being excited. If I'm nervous, I'm being nervous. If I'm confused, I'm confused. If I'm mad, I'm mad. If I'm a mix of those things, I'm a mix of those things. And I just take myself to different places. I take myself to where I am. And that's what people experience of me. It's so much more freeing than going out into situations. And often it's not, it doesn't even begin when you go out. It begins so much earlier than before you ever even consider going out. You're like, can I go out? Should I go out? What should I wear? How should I show up? Would it be okay to show up this way? And we work ourselves into a tizzy before we ever leave the door. We do. And then when you're on our way there, we do more of that. And then once we arrive, we keep doing that. And no wonder none of this is fun. Right. Right? When we're constantly trying to figure out. How I should behave in this moment with this person in this situation. That is so much work.

It's exhausting and it's exhausting to be around people who are trying to figure things out and get things right. Like that's an energy. And if if that's the match that you're meeting, if that's where you're at, great. It's a step on the journey and it's it's a good thing to notice. I want to acknowledge when you were speaking earlier about this lovely freedom that you feel being yourself. Today I celebrate that with you and I just feel delightful. The same way as now when I see people in love and happy, I just feel delightful. I get to enjoy A piece of that love, right? There's a version of me in the past who would have just been like, fuck you about that. You know, I wouldn't have been, I would have been jealous and angry and resentful and all of these things. And these are steps on the path to becoming yourself. Like it's okay if you're hearing these things and you're feeling resentful about it, or you're feeling like it's impossible, or you're feeling delighted. All of these things are true human emotions and we all embody them at some point or another. That's part of being yourself. Don't hide from it.

No, my past self would be super annoyed at my current self. They met on the street and being like, Shut up already. Or like, what is it with you and your seal clapping? Like, what is wrong with you? You know? There would be so much judgment there. Partly because I made it wrong in my mind to be anything other than, you know, all the things I was conditioned to be, the perfect little girl who was nice to everybody and like sat quietly and didn't cause a Roughests, is that a word? I don't know. But my old self would not have admitted that I don't know if that's a word or not. But it's all of that jealousy and resentment is a gold mine and it was a gold mine for me. It showed me the places where I'm still locked down. I'm currently locking myself in to these places. And what I didn't realize is the gate's actually not locked. Right? Or I actually hold the freaking key to allow myself to explore more of these parts. I take great pride now that my current self is someone who would totally annoy my previous self. Woohoo!

Yes. Yeah. So someone has now caught your attention out in the world either for visual aesthetic reasons or because maybe you've been in this circumstance like a class and you've seen a bit of them and you really have a sense of them and you think I actually want to go on a date with this person, which arguably might be more of an invested sensory experience to be in at that time, right? You have more riding on it. This can be a scary place for people. It could also be exhilarating. Maybe you're the kind of person who's like, yeah, let me ask someone out. Fun. What will happen? But I think a lot of us will be a bit more tentative about it, a bit more e. What if I, you know, get rejected? What if I sound stupid? What if I look stupid? What if they don't like me? What's the physiological sensory experience that one might be having as a human being? Feeling interest in someone and approaching them.

Well just listening to you, I feel sort of this fluttery feeling in my upper chest that makes my face want to smile and my chest sort of want to move forward. And then immediately I feel something a little bit lower in my sort of solar plexus area that wants to pull me back. It makes an E sound. The first one is ooh. And then E. The face even changes. And so that happens. And then I get a little bit of a thud, like a what now thud. Both of these pieces I've noticed exist. They're both real. And then there's the moment of, okay, what now? Do I pretend like I'm not interested? I'm not attracted, like that whole, you know, Steph's, I don't give a shit energy. Or do I want to honor that? I do care. I am interested. And then do I want to pretend that I'm not scared and just push myself and make myself or

Mm. Yeah. So

make myself wrong because I feel scared and nervous. Like this is what happens in nanoseconds.

I'm remembering a time in high school where I asked somebody out. So it's like a gathering the courage, pushing through this nerve response, which is for me, there's like a tummy-ish, twisty tummy thing, heart beating obviously very fast, hot flush in the cheeks, brain, mind, consciousness threatening to float away, almost like a third-party observer of the situation while my body goes through the motions, you know? A lot going on in there.

Yep. Yeah. Noticing what's going on. And actually, for me, what helped is growing that practice of I this is not an emergency. Nothing horrible. Like I'm not threatened here. It just feels a bit uncomfortable. And like when I practice growing my muscle to be with that those sensory experiences and also the dance back and forth of excitement and fear and shit. What do I do with this? I panic. then none of those three things terrifies me that much anymore. And I can just let it happen when like I'm attracted to someone. I can feel, ooh, I feel drawn. I'm attractive and I feel a bit nervous. And hmm, what do I want to do right now? And I can be with all three of those states. And then from there I can make an intentional choice about what I want to do next.

Yes. Yeah. This is an important piece of grounding is recognizing all the pieces there. I think I came before from a push through mentality, from a ignore all the discomfort and just push through and do the thing. Which really doesn't work. It just ends up highlighting more the discomfort. It doesn't create any sense of spaciousness or courage. It just creates this hurry, rush, get through the unpleasant. I remember hearing this on a podcast at some point, a little girl pitching at a big baseball game. And her coach said to her, Get your butterflies information. Don't ignore the butterflies in your tummy. Don't try to make them go away. Don't become obsessed with them. Use them to remember what you're doing and why you're doing it and recognize it as part of the process, right? You're approaching someone, you may or may not be accepted or rejected. Either one has energetic impact. immediately and into the future. And that's a big feeling. And if you can just acknowledge that that's going on and choose to move with it, that's going to be really different than the feeling of railing against it or trying to make it be something different than what it is.

I think there's a delight in the juiciness of attraction, right? And to like let ourselves hang in that doesn't mean you have to act upon it. But like what is it like just to be in that energy instead of being purely in the fear energy? And I wonder if if we hung up more in the want and desire energy and the electricity of Something exciting perhaps happening. Like I see that as sort of the conductor of the butterflies, right? Of yes, you're all nervous, and some of you are excited, and we're all allowed to be here, right? This conductor that says everyone plays their part. Together, we have this beautiful array of butterflies, and we get to decide where we go together. What is next together? Right? You could all decide to fly home and go hermit. That's okay if that's what you decide. But you can also decide, actually, we wanna dip a toe in this, we wanna look over there, we wanna glance, we wanna like offer a smile, maybe we'll even walk a little bit closer. Right. You get to keep consulting. This is the other thing. I think we don't realize that we get to keep consulting the butterfly formation, right? Instead of, ooh, fear hits, you know, we need to pull away, back away, and that is forever for good.

It might it correct. Yeah. A yes is not a yes forever and a no is not a no forever as well. I think we should touch here on the rejection piece, right? We approach somebody and they say no or no thank you or ooh, I'm super flattered, but I'm just not into it, or I'm not dating right now, or whatever it is. This is not a wholesale rejection of you as a person. We take these things personally. And I like to remind you that These things are not personal to us, they're personal to them. What somebody thinks of you has nothing to do with you as a person. It's to do with their interpretations of the world, what they desire for themselves as people. This doesn't mean you're rejected or you're bad or wrong or you're ugly or stupid or you approached incorrectly or any of those things that we're going to make it mean. And the meaning making, by the way, is just a method of avoiding the sensory experience of. disappointment or sadness or whatever it is. Which is actually a much more peaceful experience if you can be with that sensation than all the story we make in our mind.

Yeah, sure. I feel disappointed that I'm so attracted to that person and they're not interested in grabbing coffee. That's clean. And by clean, I mean it's not very messy. It's quite subtle. It might feel intense, but like it's simple, I guess, is what you know we're both saying. But once I get into my head of they'd rather choose that woman instead of me. And I can never get chosen. And this thing always happens to me. And all of a sudden, that activation feels very big. It feels even more personal. It feels very yucky. So that's the thing we actually don't enjoy. I think if we practiced separating the story from the sensory experience, we'd be like feeling a moment, a pang of disappointment. That's okay. Not great, but okay. But it's living in that story in the moment and then on the way home and then for three weeks after. That's the part that's yucky. So the practice here is when someone says a no to you, not necessarily in dating. I'd suggest you practice outside of dating. Just feel the internal disappointment, the sensory experience, the feeling experience of disappointment. And feel your butt on the seat or your feet on the ground and just breathe with it for one breath and that's it. And if one seems easy, hang out for two more, make it three. Grow your capacity bit by bit to be with the discomfort of disappointment. And then this other stuff begins to sort of feel easy. But if we never grow the muscle to be with the sensory experience of disappointment, then it's all gonna feel big, yucky, and scary. So that's the body level. Can I share a little mental piece that I think is important when it comes to rejection? So I like to think about it through the lens of

Yes, for sure.

Getting your hair cut. Would you go to any person that cuts hair to cut your hair? Yeah. Would you pay them $200, any person, and be like, yes, cut my hair? Or would you like the option, right? Even if you would, would you like the option to say, no, I don't want my hair cut by you? I prefer to get my hair cut by this person, right? Do you imagine that in this world of haircutters, I forget the what they're called?

Yes, yes I would.

Hairdressers, barbers, that they're actually there's more than one skilled hairdresser out there and one skilled barber in this whole entire world. And so when you're saying no to someone, it's not because they're not skillful, it's not because they're not good at their profession, it's not because they couldn't give you a great haircut, it's because you have a preference. You have maybe someone you know, someone you like, someone whatever that has experience with your kind of hair. You want to be able to have the option. to pick and choose who you say yes and no to. It's not any reflection on them. It's their preference. It's about my personal preference. So when I started thinking about things in this way, it means that I will not be going to many other hairdressers. And it would be sad and a waste of their time and energy that they all felt personally offended by the fact that I didn't choose them. Right. So if you want The right to be able to pick and choose which grocery store you go to because you like the vibe and which hairdresser you go to and which massage therapist you go to, then we want to give other people the right to also say, you're great, just not for me, or not for me right now. Let's take this actually to a dating level. Would you want to feel like you must say yes and you have to go out on a date with? Every person who asks you. All of us who are terrified of rejection and don't want to feel unworthy because someone says no to us also on the flip side really want to be able to have the right to say no to someone. Sometimes it's they are not the kind of person I want. Fine, but it's not about their worthiness. It's not about their goodness. It's not that they would be good for absolutely no one. It's just not for me. Yeah.

Take this into consideration if you're approaching someone. Think of it instead of saying, Hey, do you accept me as a person? Think of it as, hey, I'm giving you an option. What do you think? You know? This might be a skill that you already have professionally. It's way easier for most people to do this professionally, to offer a service, to offer an option, to try to sell somebody an actual item. There's the buffer of business situation that makes it easier. Someone may or may not want this, and that's okay. It's not personal. Right. So notice if you have that skill in some other area of your life and if you can bring a bit more of that energy as well.

I think that's a really important distinction. Not, hey, do you want to grab a coffee and show me that I'm a worthy person? It's like, hey, you seem interesting. Do you want to grab a coffee?

Yeah. Whew, different vibe. And then the flip side of this is being approached. Similar set of sensory experiences, probably an inverted kind of mental experience. But let's talk now about how to respond, how to notice your body's responses and put into action when you're being approached and asked out on a date.

Hmm. See, when you pose it as that, my brain goes, That's a lot of data to take in. I want to give myself time to be with that data. And I think a lot of time we don't realize that's what's happening. A lot of data is coming in. There's gonna be components of this person and the way they asked that feels good to you. And there might be components of this interaction that feel less good and less comfortable. Either because it's that person and like you're not vibing with that person or a combination, right, of our own stuff of ooh, I feel nervous. I feel like maybe I have to say yes, but maybe I actually did want to say yes, but do I wanna, you know, like that whole back and forth. And if we have any history of not trusting ourselves to make choices or any history of I don't want to make someone feel bad, then we definitely want to grow the muscle of slowing things down and letting the data pieces. I feel like it's like taking a snow globe and it's all shaken up and we just let it sit on the mantle for a moment of what are the pieces that are all here, right? What are the parts I'm drawn to? What are the parts I want to say yes to? What are the parts that I'm not so drawn to? Right, if I got to be truly honest with myself and I'm not trying to people please, I'm not trying to prevent hurt feelings, I'm not trying to just get the experience of being chosen by someone anyone will do, then there's gonna be a clearer answer that comes through. But it takes our willingness to give ourselves time to sit with all those data pieces.

Yes. Okay. Two things I want to say about time before we continue. The first piece is that it's allowed to ask for it. You can absolutely say, Ooh, I just noticed my body's doing all kinds of things in response to your lovely question. I just need a minute to sit with this. Hang on a sec, you know? Great. The other thing is that when you take an internal moment, this is completely what we teach in our somatic sessions, is feeling your butt. Feeling your feet is enough of an internal pause that equates to basically more time. It's like time's time's kind of not real. Science proves this, blah, blah, blah. But there's a slowing down that happens. So you're buying yourself time without actually taking more time.

Right. And sometimes we wanna buy ourselves time with this butt feet pause to then buy ourselves even more time by saying, you know what? Part of me feels really excited and I'd like to take some time to think about it. Can I take your number and I'll reach out? Right. Or however you wanna arrange it. But the point being is you're allowed to ask for more time.

This is really important if we have knee-jerk responses and people-pleasing tendencies for sure. I can think back, there's a couple of being asked on dates experiences. One where I felt like the person was, I guess at the time I thought he was gross and not worthy of my respect. I remember actually feeling disdain for him, which was a completely different no thank you experience than the person who I felt like I needed to give a response quickly. I I didn't take time with myself. It was yes. And the yes was true, but it was too quick. I didn't actually get to enjoy any of it. But maybe I'll illustrate the difference here with the no. Like, there's gonna be times, even if you're a people pleaser, which I absolutely was, where the no is so clear for you, you don't need to protect anything. This guy asked me out and I was just like, No. And he's like, well, like, could I get your number? I told this man I didn't have a phone. He's like, Well, where like do you live in the neighborhood? I'm like, I don't live anywhere. There was no holes in the armor he could get through. Everything was an absolute no outwardly, almost to the point of being like a joke. So it was in me. I just could only access it in, you know, certain instances.

Mm-hmm. I think it's important here to notice when it's a full clear no or a full clear yes. Sometimes it is those things. And when it's part of me feels this way and part of me feels that way. My thing is I love being honest about my parts to people, but that took practice. So if that doesn't feel accessible yet, I'd say at least let's practice being honest with ourselves about the parts that are here and take a beat with that. Yeah. And then see. Yeah. Right. There's also the flip side of, you know, I was more the people pleaser, unless it was a full on no, like I'm repulsed by you, and it's so obviously a no, then I would be like, I feel bad. But for some people, their protective pattern is to dive immediately into the no, right? Where Intimacy sort of feels scary. People who like sort of enjoy the flirtiness of it all, but then once it goes to that next level and becomes a little more real with now someone's asking for a date, whoop shut off. Nope. Not interested. Not available. And maybe you really aren't interested and aren't available. And maybe you're trying to protect yourself. So again, taking a moment, right? You don't have to say no right away. If that is your protective tendency to say no all the time, it might be like, that feels, you know, like flattered to be asked, or whatever is true for you, or I'm surprised, or that feels nice, or whatever. And like, I'd love to get back to you on that, right? Or I'd love to take some time with that. And then actually getting back to the person. Yeah. Because if you tend to be someone who is afraid of intimacy, then That's gonna feel like a really nice out and it's fine, but it never really grows your muscle to get comfortable with connection. Right. Even in getting back to someone to say no, there's connection in that. That's a muscle that's important to grow instead of I'm just gonna ghost you. I'm gonna tell you to your face, I'm gonna get back to you, and then I never will again. And this is not to shame those of us who do that. It's a very valid self-protection mechanism, but it keeps us in these cycles of isolation, which deep down. we don't actually want and they don't feel good. Yeah. So we want to practice getting back to someone and saying, Actually, you know, I thought about it and I don't think it's the right time for me or it's not the right fit for me. Thank you so much. Yeah.

I think that avoidant pattern you're describing is largely rooted in either lack of boundaries or a fear of expressing boundaries in a genuine way. So then we just create this electric fence around ourselves or we just don't even climb into the field in the first place. There's something wonderful about the yes not needing to be a yes to everything always, right? It's a yes for right now. And especially if you're in that people-pleasing mentality, or if you're exploring the flip side of too harsh and intensive boundaries that are no longer serving you, keep hold of the fact that the yes is a for right now. It doesn't need to be a constant yes to everything. And the exploring this pattern change that we're describing as well, I think is super important. I know a woman who said yes to every date for a year to see what would happen. And I think this is a piece where I would recommend like dating bingo, you know, try to date every single thing and see what fits. Cause Usually what we imagine our type and our pattern to be, we we often find somebody outside of those narrow scopes. So she said yes. She had a agreed to have a twenty minute coffee date with every single guy who asked her out. And she ended up falling in love with someone who didn't meet any of her criteria and they got married and they have a wonderful connection. You know, she never would have found them if it wasn't for her trying consciously to break her patterns and explore life outside of her narrow window.

Yes, so she was willing to experiment. And that's the thing. We're not here saying saying yes to every date you get asked on is the right answer. We're just saying if you have certain patterns, right, of being very picky and choosy and limiting and boxing yourself, then you might want to expand that. In this case, it might have been let's practice saying yes to all the dates for a year. In my case, my partner and I laugh now because if he was on an app, I would have swiped left on him so fast. Like all the things that he likes and his profession and what I make all that stuff mean and where he lives, like none of it fell into the boxes that I thought mattered to me. Yeah. But like we said at the beginning, his vibe wouldn't have come through there, right? How he sits with me when I'm upset wouldn't come through. On that app, right? The way he loves his people and his family wouldn't come through. I got to experience all these things because I was willing to say, you know what? Our story is a, you know, a story for a different episode, I think. But I said yes. I said yes to I haven't seen you in 25 years. I will see you and I will spend four days on a road trip with you in a van just to see how it's gonna be. And I know I can call it quits anytime, I can leave anytime. I can cancel before it even starts if I want to. And I was so pleasantly delighted with what I experienced in person that I'm like, this person on a dating profile would not check my boxes. But I was willing to be like, let me go hang out and see what happens. And it was a combination of feeling the vibe and being completely unattached. It made it so great. And a past version of myself would have been like, if we're gonna do this thing, then what is it gonna turn into? And are you open to a relationship? And are you looking for something serious? And not that any of those questions are wrong, but the vibe I brought to those questions is very much of fear and panic, right? And ready to judge you at the drop of a hat for any answer that isn't the one that soothes my anxiety.

Yeah, interrogation and judgments. That's a very classic thing that we're all bringing to dates and it's not the vibe that anybody wants to be in. And I hope that you can see and hear and feel that what we've been talking about for this and all the past three episodes is all about vibes. This is not a list of places to go and things to do. It's vibes to entertain within yourself and your activities and in experiencing the other person and feeling into what's a match. feeling into what aspects of your life want more or less energy and attention, embodying that, following the energy of the thing. So this vibe of either being approached or approaching, we're gonna now walk through a practice. What would you say about this practice? I actually don't know which one you're gonna do next.

The surprise. I think this practice is gonna help you feel what's good so that feeling what's good can be a little bit of the bus driver for you more often than not.

Yes. Okay. So actually before we started recording, we were like, I'm gonna show people how to feel good about approaching someone. And I was like, they're not gonna believe that. It's maybe decent or ease. So we settled on how to feel more at ease with approaching someone and being approached. And that feels truthy. Yeah.

Yes. And as always, the practice that we're going to share with you seems completely unrelated and it's building the muscles so that you have the foundation to be able to feel a bit more at ease when you're approaching someone you're attracted to or when you're being approached. So here we go. Okay. This is the awe practice that Steph and I share in different ways with different contexts. And I think it's fun to share it in this context of dating. So awe stands in this case for AWE. A actually stands for awe. So let's practice looking around your space wherever you are and let your eyes land on something that like brings out a feeling of awe in you. Right. And it can be just like a little bit, doesn't have to be like the grandest thing in your mind, but let your eyes land on it. So I have landed on this bright, vibrant sort of magenta color sweater that's on my bed. And for me, it's awe because I'm like, wow, the colors are so vibrant. And I'm just looking at it and I'm feeling that sense of awe for one inhale and one exhale. So I'm just being with the felt sense of awe. What did you choose?

A tree. Amazing. The trees exist and the colors are beautiful.

Hmm. Right? So awe is really beautiful because there's a simplicity in awe. It's learning to delight in the simple, really true things that are just around us. The next thing is wonder. Look around your space. You can choose an object, or it could be an abstract, non-visual thing you're thinking about and wonder about something. So for example, I wonder how long it's gonna be smoky for outside. Like so that's just a genuine wonder. Mine. And it's not like, God damn it, when is it not gonna be smoky outside? It's I wonder. I wonder when that smoke is gonna lift. It's a feeling, the energetic felt sense of wonder. So be in that. And then the last thing is excitement. As you think about your day, your week, your month, what is something big or small that you feel some excitement towards? I'm excited to see my kid later and hear all about his adventures from last night. And I'm gonna feel I'm not just gonna say it to you, I'm gonna feel that excitement for a moment. Like I can feel it tingling inside. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Imagine if you go out into the world to whatever hobby places you have or whatever grocery store you shop at, and you have more practice being in the energy of awe. wonder and excitement about the things that bring you personally awe, wonder and excitement. Because the things that bring me awe wonder and excitement will not be the things that bring you awe wonder and excitement or Steph. And that's the whole point. It's like being in your true experience. The more you are in that energy, you radiate that out into the world. Right. People get to experience you in that energy. And then the other thing is you get to practice feeling what it's like to feel awe, wonder, and excitement about objects and just what's what's in your visual field. But imagine if you start doing that with people. Like, when I look at how this person does such and such, I feel a deep sense of awe. Or I look at that person, I'm on a coffee date with that person and I have a deep sense of wonder, right? Or I've just seen that person. We've said goodbye and I have this excitement inside me. Like how cool to hang in those feelings instead of some of the more common ones that we've had a lot of practice hanging out in that just cause us anxiety and stress and panic and feeling sorry for ourselves. Right.

Right. Yeah. If we're talking about approaching and being approached, imagine you're approaching someone and all you're full of is self-doubt and fear and some mustered up sense of quasi-courage versus wonder and excitement about approaching someone, right? And inversely being approached. Say you're approached by someone that you don't feel immediately interested in going out on a date with, but instead of feeling Cringy and shameful and like you want to give a polite yes or you want to run away. If instead you're able to just be in awe of this unique moment in time. And you can wonder, you know, about maybe what might it be like to go on a date with them. Or I wonder, you know, who I really would like to go out on a date with in this room. And excitement that you have a choice. These are such different energies to bring to either of these circumstances.

Imagine if we can connect to the awe of the courage it took that person to approach us, right? And we can this is another practice is to learn that I can be in awe of someone's courage to approach me and be in sturdy connection with my no, this is not for me. Yeah. And like both can be true at the same time. And imagine saying no to someone. From that place. So I am in deep awe that you, you know, felt drawn to me enough that you took the courage to come ask me out. And I also feel deeply sturdy with this doesn't feel like a good fit for me or it's not the right time for me. Yeah.

So empowering. Thank you, Gigi, for that lovely practice. This is one practice among so many, many that we can do with ourselves and out in the world. This is totally what we do is we create low-stakes environments for you to practice your relationship with yourself and your relationship with other people. So if any of this work is of interest to you, check out our programs at wholeheartedloving.com. And next episode is all about first date. We're gonna have an awful lot to say about first dates. Those are what are they? They're full of energy and thought.

Energy. Yes. Let's call it that. Energy. Yeah.

So join us for that. That will be in two weeks. So I think the key takeaways here from this episode are all about being yourself, expressing your full range of energy, which of course means knowing what that full range is within yourself and being a little bit fearless about it. Stop hiding.

So, you know, we'd love to hear from you what parts of yourself you're pretty at ease and comfortable bringing out on a date or out into the dating world. And which parts of yourself you're still learning to get comfy bringing more out into the world. Right. I'd be curious to hear what yours are.

Yeah. And I think it was last episode we talked about like talking with your friends about this. We tend to I don't know what it's like with dudes, but with our girlfriends, we tend to express a lot of our fears and our worries and our hopes, but we don't talk a lot about what we want to bring and what we hope to practice. And this is a really good venue to do that in. What are some of the ways you want to practice? You know, whether it's bringing more awe, wonder and excitement. Or feeling more in your body as you're out in the world and being more yourself. Would encourage you to talk to your girlfriends about this, maybe make a game of it, like instead of a book club, a dating skills and self-connection club, something like that.

Something that sounds a little sexier than that, but that's okay.

Yeah. The sexy self connection and dating skills practice club.

Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Okay. Well I think that's it then for this episode. Is that right? Okay. So we will see you guys in a couple of weeks. As always, please do like, follow, and subscribe. And if anything we've said here today has been helpful for you, please share with somebody that you care about. And we'll see you next time. Bye.

That's right.