Enjoying Your Own Company

Hello, daters. when people are out of balance, they tend to isolate or overextend with social commitments. And because you are people, you might have noticed that you also do this yourself. So today we're going to be talking about how to actually enjoy your own company because as you can imagine, that has a tremendous impact on your dating life.

Yes, so stick around because at the end we're going to show you a simple practice to really shift away from that old patterning of distracting and avoiding.

Give yourself an empty evening or notice when plans change and suddenly you don't have something to do and notice how quickly you distract yourself and what your patterns become.

And it makes sense that we do that we're uncomfortable with slowness and empty pockets in our day because it never felt okay to be on our own. So we rushed to fill it all.

Mm-hmm. And that might look like scrolling on your phone, right? Texting all kinds of people. Netflix binging, eating too much, addictive behavior. What else?

For me it was a lot of academic and career endeavors, like years and years of it. I'd always have a project or a goal or a degree or certification on the go.

Right. And so those sound obviously like healthy, good things that move you forward in life, but there's always a way that our ego can co opt any healthy activity in order to distract us just from the simplicity of being with ourselves.

Well, they're sneaky because life serve rewards you for having, you know, academic pursuits that you've achieved. Life rewards you for having a rich social life. And like I would just convince myself, like it would feel like I'm doing good in life, which I was. But I was also master at distraction and avoiding feeling how yucky it felt to be on my own.

So let's look at why that's happening, how it manifests, and what you can do about it.

Yes, for a lot of us, slowing down and not having a life full of plans is when that inner critical voice gets really harsh and really loud.

Yeah, and then all of these shoulds and unpleasant conditioning that we're sitting with

Yeah, for me the conditioning was I grew up with immigrant parents. The shoulds were you should be working hard, you should be doing something productive. So the idea of being by myself, enjoying my own company is just flat out wrong. I was conditioned to not even grow the muscle to do the thing that would actually help me in dating and relationships.

For sure. So if any of your upbringing involved people who had any kind of anxiety or fear or weren't just deeply comfortable in their own skin, you've taken on some kind of conditioning there and it's running in your mental patterns And I remember after I think a few years of doing this work. So that was women's group, it was conscious relationship training, and it was a lot of like honesty and trust and acceptance that I hadn't experienced in my life. And I remember I was sitting at the corner of Kingsway and Victoria in my car, and I was having some nasty thought. The normal thought pattern was going on. And that was a pretty self-critical pattern. you should be this, should be that, shouldn't be this. And another voice came in from the right hand side, like it's a very visceral feeling. Another voice came in with a compassionate, loving message that I can't remember the details of. Now it was something like, that's okay. Like it's no wonder you're feeling that way. And here's a nice thought. And I like turned and looked. I was like, Who was that? And it was me.

This new voice you built over time, right? Because we don't have access to that voice just magically. What we grow up hearing our parents say to themselves and to us becomes our inner voice. And so my inner voice would compare myself to other people. Because growing up, my parents' way of motivating me was to compare me to cousins and the girl down the street. there was always this if you got an A, why didn't you get an A plus? So that became my own voice. And who wants to hang out with that by yourself on a Friday night? Not me.

Right? Like as much as we love our parents and we do, we don't want to hang out with them all the time. And it's partly because of this conditioning that we're trying to kind of separate ourselves from and individuate a little bit from. So if that's our inner monologue why would we want to hang out with ourselves? How could we possibly enjoy our own company?

I'd rather be looking elsewhere for some different kind of voices.

We are not saying that you need to silence this voice or dissociate from yourself. We're actually suggesting that you can become this kind voice. That can be what's happening inside you.

What do you mean? Yes. So we can grow this new, kinder, softer, more encouraging and supportive inner voice that we would actually want to hang out with. It does take though getting to know ourselves a bit better because the better we know ourselves, the more we know what would feel supportive and encouraging to hear from ourselves. And when we don't know that, we're gonna be at a loss. Like, I don't want to hang out by myself. I don't know how to make myself feel better. And so let me go chase the people who hopefully help me feel better.

Yeah, that's the piece where we're looking for external validation and external information about what we want, what we need, if we're okay, if we're acceptable. When it comes to what you like and how you want to spend your time and what lights you up, all of that information that you have might actually be inherited. It might not even be yours. So part of this getting to know yourself that we're talking about is really about getting to know who you are, what you like, what's important, what you value.

Mm-hmm. Because I feel like when we don't know that, we don't know those parts of ourselves intimately, we look to other people and we're like, what do you want to do? What would feel good for you? I'm easy, whatever works for me. You just end up sort of feeling gross and not really satisfied. Right? You take whatever presents in front of you and you call it okay, you call it good enough, and deep down you're like, this feels off. I don't actually love this or like this. And then you try to medicate or fix away that other yucky feeling by distracting or avoiding or chasing another high somewhere else.

Mm-hmm. So you're simultaneously not able to enjoy yourself and self-soothe. And you're also continuing that cycle of needing something outside yourself to dictate what happens next, to dictate what feels good. And that, you know, by definition, then you need somebody else's company.

That was the story of my life. I did a lot.

Yeah. What did that look like? What did you fill your time with?

I filled my time with a lot of social plans and hobbies. So for I'm gonna say decades of my life, I would feel very uncomfortable by Wednesday if I didn't know what was happening Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday.

Mm-hmm.

And the thoughts that would come in are, well, I have to fill that time. And the funny thing was, as soon as those plans were made, Everything settled. I felt good again. And then you mentioned this at the beginning. What happens when someone cancels? it would be the yuckiest feeling inside. So I'd panic and be like, my gosh, what am I gonna do? And this other yucky bit was, they obviously don't like me enough to keep the plan. Because I would have never canceled plans on anyone. I would have just made myself do it anyways. And I would expect other people to do the same. And so there'd be this multiple layer of yucky And then I'll tell you this later, how I worked with the situation to get to the other side. But the other side was I get to a place now where when someone cancels plans, I'm like, delightful. I guess I'll do this instead. And it's not because I didn't really want to see that person or wasn't really excited to do the thing. I really was. I'm also really delighted at the idea that now I get to do something else that I really enjoy or hang out with myself and enjoy some downtime that feels really good. And that was never available to me as an option before because I hated being by myself. I was mortified by it. It was the yuckiest feeling idea ever. And it feels amazing to know that I can have a great time with people now and I can have a great time with myself.

Right. And so of those things you were filling your time with, what of those were shoulds, were inherited ways of being because you didn't actually know yourself? huh.

But it was sneaky because they were things that I enjoyed and like I liked study. And I often say if someone would pay me to be a professional student, I would love to do that forever. But it was to an extreme and it was because I was trying to avoid being alone that was the real difference maker.

Yeah.

It wasn't

Right.

that I was filling my time doing things that I hated or didn't enjoy. It was that if I didn't live my life that way, I didn't actually know how to live my life without feeling really horrible.

So in classic GG and stuff fashion, I have been the opposite. or maybe a bit of both. I think when I was younger, I very much stuffed my time with social everything because I didn't have friends in elementary school, right? I was a bit of an outcast. So as soon as I became cool and popular in high school, I was like, give me all the social stuff every time and cut out everything else. but because I had Social anxiety or discomfort. I just didn't know how to be with people or be with myself with people. I turned to a lot of drugs and alcohol and dissociative stuff. So want to be with people and also gone at the same time. And then once I became more comfortable, more embodied, and I cut out all the extra dissociative crap, I actually had to physically leave. So then isolation felt better. I swung the pendulum way in the other direction. And I wanted to be alone. So people canceling plans was like, thank God. but

Yeah.

not in a positive, yay, I've got time way, in a in a dissociative way.

Yeah, I think as I got to know myself better, I actually realized I'm not as big of a social butterfly and an extrovert that I once thought. I

Mm-hmm.

am extroverted. I do love people, but I actually need and want and enjoy downtime. What?

Yeah, there is an important distinguishing factor between these because I think I had it kind of twisted, what introvert and extrovert means. Because I also am quite extroverted So the distinguishing factor that I found helpful is that if you're introverted, you get energy from being on your own. And if you're extroverted, you get energy from being with people. So if you're out partying, presenting, hanging out with lots of people, that will actually give you more energy for life. Whereas

Mm-hmm.

really clearly for me, if I spend a bunch of time with a bunch of people, I need a few days to recuperate.

Mm-hmm. And I do feel like I'm a mix of both, but I never knew that about myself because being alone was so mortifying and horrifying that I didn't even entertain the idea that I could be someone who needs time to recharge Like if

Yeah.

you looked at me, you know, 20 years ago to now, I would have told you, adamantly I was a different kind of person.

Mm-hmm.

to who I am today and how I live today. And when we talk about when you don't really know yourself, the stuff you actually say yes to because you can't stand being alone. I did have a version of that actually, which was going on dates with people that I don't like. Why? They don't

Very.

match what I want, who I want, who I actually enjoy hanging out with at all. But I remember being like, a date with anybody, is better than a night by myself. So I end

Yeah.

up spending a lot of time and energy hanging out with people that I don't even really want to hang out with.

Right. So if you don't like yourself, you're gonna seek that from somebody else. And you can't really like yourself if you don't know yourself. And this is all very much related to how you're gonna swipe, who you're gonna go out with, how it's gonna go, and what you're gonna reach for when there's that silence.

Mm-hmm. And who you agree to go out with again, surprisingly, not so surprisingly, when you actually didn't even enjoy the first time you hung out with

All of this validation and comforting and source of self-knowing when we don't have it for ourselves, we are seeking it from somebody else. And that is when we are looking for the one, the one who completes us, who makes us whole, who has all of the answers In conscious relationship training, we refer to this as a battery relationship, you plug yourself in and they are the source of everything.

And it can feel very, very good in the beginning and even for a while, Because a lot of us have been yearning to feel seen and feel connection like someone likes us and wants us around. So when we experience that, we're like, yes, give me more. We just might realize over time if we're really paying attention that it feels good to be liked, but I'm not actually being liked for my true self because I'm not showing my true self. And I don't wanna keep up this performance. It's hard to keep up this performance of who this person needs me to be when I'm not really that.

yeah, and they can't actually give you all of that, right? So it's this temporary fix. And eventually you start resenting them. It starts going away, this thing that you were getting from them. And this is entirely what we're talking about: self-sourcing this stuff, your sense of validation, your source of comfort, your self-knowing. These are all the things that you get to learn how to carry with you into dating and relationships so that it never becomes the job of the other person and you never resent them for not performing as expected.

Hallelujah. Because I remember one of my, magic strengths is that I can see the beauty in people. I was so good at highlighting to people from a genuine place what I loved about them, what I thought was great. And I just really used that. But then obviously we're all human, so we also have this other side that's not always great. And if I'm going to be honest, I might have to say, hey, that thing you did hurt my feelings, or I'm not really agreeing with you on that. And I realized these people that I'm attracting don't actually care how I really feel. They don't actually want to know my real opinion they're quite offended by the fact that I don't think they're just magically shiny and beautiful all the time.

Right.

And that's when I realized, we have created this unspoken agreement with each other that we're only gonna behave a certain way that makes each other feel good. And once we can no longer uphold that level of the agreement, it starts to crumble and fall apart.

Mm-hmm. we do this unconsciously in so many ways. Making each other better people. So one of the nice things about the initial chemistry and juice of a relationship is that it inspires you to be your best self, right? All of these things you plan to do, like go to the gym or drink less or whatever it is, suddenly you're flooded with all these happy chemicals and you find yourself naturally doing that. And you attribute it to that other person. something I've experienced personally, I was, what would you say? I think I was hanging out in a lot of weed and alcohol for many years and trying not to be part of life. And then I met this guy who not coincidentally was also hanging out in a lot of weed and alcohol. And our incredible chemical bond. Stepped us into, you know, wanting to spend time together, wanting to work out, wanting to do all these good, healthy things for each other. And so we sort of unconsciously attributed to the other person these healthful behaviors. And when the honeymoon period ended and we started slipping back into the old ways, it was really easy to resent the other person for not making us better.

I just feel very called out. I needed a moment. Cause I see this happening in my own relationship even now, It's very human to say to our partner, let's work out together, let's take fitness and health as a real priority. And you do it for a while and then you fall off. And then it's so easy for me to say, look at you, you're not obviously being consistent. And it's because your lack of consistency that now we're failing at our combined joint goal. And then I check myself and like Well, how consistent have I been being? And how much have I been taking the initiative, regardless of what my partner is doing or not doing, to really prioritize this element of my life? And I

Mm-hmm.

realized, crap, like you mean I have to take ownership of this too? It's like a co-creation. You mean you're not gonna be my savior of now that we're together and we have these beautiful joint goals, that you are the leader of all the great things in my life and gonna make sure I stay on track with it all. What do mean?

Right. Yeah. The one. So this one itis is like a disease that we all have and it's something to really notice and seek treatment for, which is really what this whole season is all about. Enjoying

Mm-hmm.

your own company, being the person that you want to be, because when you're in a relationship with somebody, all of that's going to come back to the surface. Whatever you experience initially, all your hopes and dreams, you are actually a collection of the activities that you regularly do. So if you want to shift what those are, the place to do that is not in the sparkly inspiration of a new relationship. It's before you get into one. It's enjoying your own company.

Yes. And part of that for me was using my fantasy and bringing it back into everyday reality in a way that supports me. So for example, if I envision one day with my amazing partner that we're gonna go on a lot of adventures. then I want to practice going on adventures before this person even appears in my life.

Mm-hmm.

If I wanna be cooking really amazing food that we enjoy together, I want to be doing that for myself. Like I really fall into the category of if I'm just feeding me, I just reach into the bin and like unconsciously just stuff my face with something that maybe in the moment feels good but actually feels really gross for my body. But if I'm cooking for me in a date or a partner, then all of a sudden I'm like, I want to plan it out like this. I want to get the best ingredients. I want to pair different things together and have it be a real experience. And I realized, why do I only save that for those moments? Why do I not treat myself as good as I would treat my dinner guest? Why do I daydream of all these things I'm gonna do with my future partner? And if you were to look at my life, if big brother was watching my life, it would see, crap, she doesn't do any of those things. And

Yeah.

when we don't do any of those things, it also makes us place a lot of power and put these people on really high pedestals because we think the only way for me to live that kind of life that I dream of is with. that person and until that person comes I'm gonna live this sad sack of life which then also means let's just date whoever in hopes that they become that person and I don't have to live that sad sack of life.

Yeah. the Big Brother comment here is significant and important because this is part of why online dating is such a hellscape. people are writing their profiles and making claims about themselves based on what they think they want and who they think they are, not on who Big Brother would report they actually are day to day. Right. So

Imagine if Big Brother wrote our dating profiles.

Yeah. I mean, it would be a lot better today than it than it used to be when I when it was full of shoulds, right? I have to want to be somebody's partner in crime. I have to want to be adventurous. Like, truth is, I am not adventurous. I am happy to join somebody on an adventure, but it would never occur to me to initiate an adventure. Maybe like once every five or ten years. I will be inspired by an adventure. So if that's the way I'm promoting myself and if that's the way I think I secretly need to be to be desired, I am messing up my energy and the whole dynamic of what I'm attracting and what I'm ending up in life with.

Yes. And I think so you're talking about knowing yourself and whether you should promote yourself as an adventurous person. And I'm thinking of knowing myself and knowing what I want in a partner. what does adventurous even mean to me? Am I just okay with someone who's adventurous enough to join me in a pursuit that I plan and I think will be fun and they're happy to plop along with me? Or does adventurous in a partner for me look like someone who gets really excited about planning the trip and going on the trip and delighting in it and then having the next trip in mind? Because if that's what's really important to me, I really want to own that. I'm gonna be really dissatisfied choosing a partner like Steph who's like, I actually am not very adventurous, but I'll come along with you. Like that's not my flavor adventure that I'm looking for.

Right. And just to complicate matters, I might want you to be adventurous on your own behalf. I'm I might find it very uninspiring if you're unadventurous like me. And I might judge you about it. That's not good or bad. It's just what's happening. And there's going to be a lot of these sorts of things that are true for you as well. And knowing that for yourself is where the magic is. There's no way that you should or shouldn't be. There's the way that you are. And that's what's important to really get a hold on and to accept.

Mm-hmm. And if you notice, hey, this is the way I am, but this isn't living in alignment with who I want to be, and it matters to me to become that person, then it's important that we take that ownership to grow the muscles to become that version of ourselves that we really want to live like.

Right? If there's things that you love and want to be, but you've been conditioned that those things are bad and wrong, then something is missing in your life. And that is going to end up being reflected in who you're choosing to go on dates with and who you end up in a relationship with. So we want you to really know who you are and what you want and live that and embody that so you can draw that into your sphere of reality.

Yes, that makes me so happy. And it's possible

Yeah.

because I definitely didn't used to live like that. And I certainly do now. Yeah.

In case it's not obvious, all of the stuff we're talking about you embodying here is really going to affect who you're attracting. So if you are self-rejecting and pretending to be somebody that you're not, you are going to be attracting someone who is self-rejecting and pretending to be someone they're not. And then you're going to wonder why you're in this cycle of things you do not want.

What what what you may want to rewind and listen to that again. Because that was such a big lesson for me. We draw in people who reflect back to us where we're sort of at. And then it's very easy. to point the finger at they're the problem. And when we don't own our part of the dance of really learning ourselves what our true yes and no and maybe is and acting upon that. then we just swap out partners and the next date and the next person and we keep pointing the finger at them. And then

Mm-hmm.

we get very disgruntled about how dating sucks and there's no good people out there and I'm gonna end up being alone forever and, you know, life is horrible.

Yeah. The parts of yourself that you reject are going to be amplified in the people that you are attracting towards you. And I want you to picture this for a moment. And it's going to make you either feel really good and warm or super uncomfortable. Imagine being in the company of someone who just loves their own company. They don't need to be any different than they are. And they don't need you to be any different than you are. If you love your own company, that's gonna feel really good. And if you don't, you're gonna be vibrating with anxiety. If I should this, I should that, they should this, they should that. Why am I so uncomfortable? And this is what we're trying to avoid, right? If we wanna have a nice, secure, happy relationship with somebody who doesn't need us to be any different than we are, we're gonna first have to embody the fact that we don't need to be any different than we are.

So I feel very blessed because I am in a relationship where I get to be exactly who I am. And I delight in it every day. And I feel very lucky that I mean, lucky in the sense I know I worked hard for this, I know he worked hard for this, but lucky in that we get to enjoy it. Because if say a decade ago, 15 years ago, someone came around who loved their own company. I would not know how to be in relationship with that person. I would be like, you love your own company. It must mean you don't love me. And

Mm-hmm.

I would make that mean something horrible about me and not good

Mm-hmm.

enough about me. I wouldn't have even been able to have a relationship with someone who was happy and content on their own. Now here's another thing. I would date people who weren't really secure and confident in themselves. But hey, what was great was I'm a very good complimenter. at helping make people feel good about themselves. So I would just run to these people because they would make me feel good and needed. Until

Right.

you realize being with someone that doesn't feel secure in themselves is really exhausting. And I also didn't feel secure in myself. And so we did this dance together that just wasn't helpful or fulfilling. And then when you said, what did you say? Someone who loves their own company and doesn't need me to be different. Well then that screws up my whole framework of life. What do you mean? I'm supposed to learn you so well, better than anyone in your life ever has, so that I can pretzel myself to be exactly what you need. So if you just need me to be me, and I don't actually know who that is because I've never practiced being me, how am I gonna function in this relationship?

Mm-hmm.

What's my job then? So you could have presented me with someone who was a very healthy person to co-create a really vibrant, safe, emotional, fulfilling relationship with, and I would not have known what to do with them. I would not have known what to do with myself in that kind of dynamic.

Yeah. We talked about this last episode, the dirty lens syndrome. So it sounds like, and I want to be clear that this is not actually what we're saying, we're not saying you have to be healed to attract a healthy person. We're saying that if that healthy person comes along, you are not gonna know what to do with it. And it won't end up working unless, and this is the part that we talked about last episode, if they're telling you, hey, you're great and you're fine and I love you, and then you can go, my gosh. That is not the story I've been telling myself. I see it now. Thank you. Yes. Brilliant. Go for it. Healing is happening. But most of the time that's not going to be what happens, right? Most of the time you're going to end up sending them away and rejecting this love because it doesn't fit into the story of your own existence.

Mm-hmm. And what I felt really drawn to was the person who felt like soulmate. You know, in the end people were like, that was a trauma bond. But I realized I got caught up in a few things, which was, no one's ever treated me like this before. Or I've really wanted someone to be like this with me. And I thought that meant I hit the jackpot. Until I realize, no, you're craving to be chosen so badly. You're craving that anyone just says anything nice to you, that as soon as it comes along, you think that is the shiny magical unicorn and you say yes and you say yes to it all before you know what all is. You say yes to it all even if all of it doesn't feel good. Because you think, this one thing I've really wanted for so long that nobody has ever given me is finally here. This must

Mm-hmm.

be it. I fell into that trap many times and it's okay. But when I began to get to know myself better, learn to like myself more, then this attraction to that started to change.

So we want to do some clarifying of who we are and how we want to be. And that means slowing down and being comfortable with it. Slow is really a theme of this slow dating season. I know you and I have both done significant. hiatuses from relationships getting to know and be with ourselves. And we want to give you a bit of an example of what that looks like in practice before we go into an actual practice of how to enjoy your own company. do you want to tell your story?

Okay. So this was at a very heartbroken time in my life where someone who I thought would be the one just walked out of the relationship one day without really any explanation. And it was a dark period in my life. And one thing I've been really blessed with is learning how to use dark moments and find the gold in it. And so I thought, what pisses me off the most about this guy? And it was that he was so good spending time on his own. he would call it his puttering time. And he's like, I like to putter on Sunday. And I was like, what the F, man? You'd rather putter on Sunday than hang out with me? Like, how much do you actually like me? And it would turn into this big thing in my mind. But when I look back at that person, that relationship, I was like, this is the thing that drove me nuts about them. And I knew that meant there was a lesson in it for me because I hated spending time by myself. Something he was so good at and did all the time. I hated to do. And so I said, you know what? We gotta take some extreme measures here. because we're pretty low down in life right now. It can only go up. But I have to do something different. And so I said, I'm going to put myself in a self-imposed hibernation. I don't know if I came up with six weeks at the get-go, but I knew I needed to practice this thing. It became six weeks over time. It was outside of work and parenting. I would make no social plans with anybody. And I would just hang out by myself in my home or take myself out on dates and do things purely to hang out with myself and get to know myself. And as I was having this idea, I was already feeling all the cringe and all the resistance of heck no, this is a really bad idea. Why would I do that to myself? this is one thing I would say is a big tip. Get curious about what you enjoy doing as a child, what brought you joy, what was fun for you, or things that you always wanted to do, but you thought you weren't good enough to do, or someone told you that it was dumb to do, and I decided to use that as an entry point. So I thought, well, I remember when I was nine years old, I really like to cross-stitch. And I go into I think Michael's or something. And the only cross-stitch things they had at the time, was just those silly teddy bears, you know, like these tiny little things. And I'm like, no, I'm beyond that. I want to do something more than that. And so I thought, let's look online. And sure enough, I found this beautifully stunning peacock with a gazillion colors. So I ordered it right away. That first Friday night after work, I was like, I guess it's me and this peacock. And I started. And it wasn't very long into it that my neck was sore and my eyes were growing cross-eyed. And I was like cursing this freaking peacock and this idea of hanging out by myself. But I knew there's something in this for me. I need to learn how to putter by myself and hang out and enjoy my own company.

Well and you learned, importantly, that you don't love cross stitching. Good

No.

to know.

And that thing sits under my bed sometimes, I pull it out again, but I laugh at it and I remember how symbolically it was so important. And so I spent in the end about six weeks really hanging out with myself. I read things that I hadn't read in a long time that I realized and rediscovered I enjoyed. I think I signed up for volleyball lessons and tennis lessons because I had always wanted to join the volleyball team in elementary school, but felt So inept that I was like, I really can't do that because I'll look like a fool. I took tennis lessons because I thought this is one thing I really want to be able to do. And I realized I don't really love either of those things. But it was so good to have done them and not have my childhood conditioning of you suck, you're not an athlete, be the thing that made me believe I couldn't play volleyball or play tennis. I actually discovered I really love bouldering and I'm pretty good at it. Right. But I wouldn't have known that about myself without taking that time. I call that period my PhD, my graduate degree in self-love and self-knowing. And it became the most fundamental shift for me because I came out of that time being like. I actually like myself. And it changed everything. It changed who I entertained going out with because I was like, I actually like hanging out with myself. So why am I gonna spend my Friday night with that guy who based on his profile and that one phone call was not that interesting?

Yeah.

I'd rather hang out by myself and save my energy and time for someone that feels like more of a match for me. So

Beautiful.

I'm not saying I have to do six weeks and go like full on like that, but I am saying the essence of it is so important. Learning

Good lord.

how to hang out with yourself. And this is a little bit just my personality. I have

Yeah.

a bit of a personality that one part of me likes to do things in baby steps. And another part of me says, hey, if I'm gonna do this thing, what's the hardest, yuckiest seeming version for me that's gonna propel me the furthest? And it was six weeks.

And it was six weeks. Okay, this is too funny. Leave it to G to get her PhD in six weeks and think it was a long time.

It was an awful s well, it was probably an awful three weeks before it got better.

So I'm on year seven. Cause we're opposites. And so I want to impress this upon everybody that you have your own time frame and you can't listen to our time frames. You have to feel into your own for me, I think when I was younger, I had to be alone because I didn't have friends. So I think I associated aloneness with something that was forced upon me. And at the same time, I had this, Underpinning that I was sort of incompetent in some way, that I couldn't do things on my own. So I feared being alone for a variety of reasons. And I knew, so I moved to this little island like four years ago, because I consciously knew I really needed to learn how to be alone and be self-reliant. I realized I hadn't actually ever lived without other people until my last big relationship ended, which was seven years ago. And about six months after that, I moved from the relationship directly in with other people. I realized, my gosh, I've never lived alone. And I'm terrified to live alone. So I was like, okay, I gotta live alone. And then I realized, well, I still was just filling my time and space I was pretending to be alone. So I needed to make myself good and properly alone in a way where I had to depend on myself, like I've got to chop my own wood to be warm, kind of thing. I need to be self-employed. without an agency behind me giving me leads or whatever. I need to completely be independent and have that experience to properly know myself. So yeah, seven years into my PhD and it's going really well. And I actually have not been on a date in three years. Hallelujah. And the truth is I have no desire at all to date. And that doesn't mean shut off. I think there was a time where I would have been like, ew, yuck, no thanks, which would have been a defensive thing. This is more like that's not where my energy is right now. And if love came along, I would be facing it warmly. I would not be rejecting it or avoiding it. So all of these things are deep self-knowing that I had to discover through active practice,

Doing the thing that mortifies us. Right? There's some things that mortify you that you just know are not good for you. Stay away from those. But there's some things that mortify us that we deep down know this would be really good for me. This would be really important for me and what I believe I'm capable of and who I believe I am. That would be good to lean into that discomfort. It would serve us well. And that's sort of these two examples that you're hearing from Steph and I. this really struck me, and I hope that you take this away. Most people never give themselves the opportunity to date from a place of single and empowered and being kind and loving to ourselves. Most of my dating was done single and heartbroken and pining over an ex. Or single and in a state of fear and panic of my gosh, if I don't go on every date that I can find, I'm never gonna find my person. I'm gonna be the cat lady by myself. Or single and cynical because all men are douches anyways, and Nobody is going to create this beautiful relationship that I have in my mind, and it's all a fantasy, anyways. So you can imagine when you're dating from those places technically, in every case, you're single. But it's a very different energy to date from that than single. I feel good about myself. I feel good about how I'm taking charge of my life. No, I'm not a perfect human being, and I'm okay with that. I'm kind and loving to myself as much as I can be. You're gonna say yes to totally different people. You're gonna accept totally different behavior, right? Your bar is gonna be so much higher and you're gonna be bringing in, attracting, saying yes to people that are so much more aligned for you,

Yes, this is what is going to change your dating trajectory. So okay, Gigi, walk us through this practice that you've

Yeah.

got in mind for helping us learn to actually enjoy our own company.

Okay, this one is very simple, and you might say, well, what does this have to do with enjoying my own company? Which I'll explain later. So either grab some hand lotion or massage oil or something like that, and if that's not within reach, just pretend like you have the most amazing, luxurious massage oil around. And you're just going to massage your hands. Gonna give yourself touch on your hands in a way that feels really nice. And some of us when we know immediately what really nice feels like, and some of us may actually have no idea. And either is fine. Use this as a practice playground, I like to always call our time. Do you want really rough touch? Do you want softer touch, deep pressure somewhere? And then maybe if your hand had permission to sort of spread this touch around your arm, your wrist, your arm, your elbow, how might you continue with this loving touch? Take a moment to notice one element, only one, that feels decent or nice right now of this touch or how you're feeling. This is a very simple practice of being nice to ourselves, of noticing what part of that felt nice, even if a whole bunch of parts felt uncomfortable, The other way you could practice is while you're out in life doing something you enjoy, because I'm gonna make the assumption that even though some parts of your life might not be feeling the greatest, there's at least something you do, sometimes, that feels nice to you. So the next time you go and do that thing, can you feel your butt on the seat or your feet on the floor? Can you pause for a moment and notice what is it about this activity or this moment that feels nice? Catch that moment. And register it as, this is sort of a pleasant, decent moment with myself. Start collecting evidence that your own company isn't as awful as you might think it to be.

One of the things that I came to realize I loved, and this was because you told me that you loved it about yourself. And that gave me the space to go, hmm, do I love that? And yes, I do. It's holding hands. And so I remember you telling me that you would hold your own right? It's so cute. You would hold your own hands when you were falling asleep, when you were lonely. And I was like, my fuck, that's the cutest thing I ever heard. I'm gonna do that. And then when we're having sleepovers, which we have our nice big two times a year that we get to hang out for like a week together, we will sometimes go to sleep holding hands. And it's so sweet. And so Because I knew that I loved this, and because I came into this space of realizing that I could give myself these things that I needed and wanted, and in fact, that I should, and in fact, that the universe would then reflect that back to me. I remember years ago I was on a date with this lovely man, and I wanted him to hold my hand. And I found myself back in this old pattern of just trying to will him into holding my hand. And

Did it work?

it well, maybe it helped, but.

Yeah.

What really helped was that I realized, I'm gonna hold my own hand right now. So I did. I held my own hand and I gave it the loving touch that I wanted to feel in that moment. And within like 30 seconds, this man took my hand and held it. And like all of that is this beautiful symbiotic relationship of knowing yourself, giving yourself what you need and want and what feels good, and then having that reflected back to you.

Hallelujah. Because I think people feel energetically what we're carrying. If we're like willing someone to hold our hand and judging them for not and worrying about whether they will, there's a certain energy we exude. But if

Mm-hmm.

you're happily on your date holding your own hand, you're gonna delight in it, people feel that radiing outwards. And all of those things, practicing all of those things helps you strengthen that sense of you, that sense of this is me, I'm a great person, I really like myself, and whoever comes into my orbit is lucky to have me in their life.

Yeah, this is why enjoying your own company is so powerful in your dating experience. So I hope you employ some of these tools. And I hope that what we've said here has been very helpful for you. We do all kinds of this practice in all of our work together. So are somatic integration sessions, which Maybe I'll say out loud here, we are rebranding into the relationship lab, which is actually what it is. This is people practicing relating with themselves and each other in a really practical way. And then there's also conscious relationship training, which is practicing that directly with other people, not just with ourselves.

If this episode was helpful for you or any of those programs sound interesting or helpful for you or a friend, share it with your friends. Let's get out of the practice of only sharing our dating miseries with our friends and actually sharing things that we think would be uplifting and helpful with our friends

And tell us in the comments what feels good to you about being on your own? What do you like about your own company? And what would you like to do more of in your own company?

I know what I'd like to do more of, which I am doing but I'm excited, which is more dance, more dance, more

no.

pool dance that's happening.

Nice. Love that. Next episode, we're talking about finding your people. So if you want to know where to actually locate these people that you should be dating, tune in next time, which is in two weeks. As always, please do like, follow, and subscribe. And if anything we've said here has been helpful for you, please share it with somebody that you care about. And we'll see you next time.